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Archive for September, 2009

Owens answers questions from journalist meanies.

Owens answers questions from journalist meanies.

Terrell Owens, the much maligned superstar wide receiver for the Buffalo Bills, recently lashed out at the sports media, claiming they were trying to goad him into making controversial statements.  He recently sat down with EJSIC to further explain.

“The media, man, they need me to say crazy things because it sells papers.  I mean, when they ask me if I was happy on 9/11, what am I supposed to say?  If I say yes, I’m an asshole.  If I say no, I’m dodging their questions.  It’s a lot of pressure, and I’m tired of it.

Owens, who has had trouble with teammates and coaches on his previous teams in San Francisco, Philadelphia, and most recently, Dallas, has mostly kept a low profile as a member of the Bills.  When his 185-consecutive game catch streak came to an end, the media wanted to know why.

“The media kept asking questions wanting to know if I’m getting enough touches.  Look, I just run the routes as they call the plays.  That’s all I can do.  Next thing I know the media’s trying to get on me to take a stance on my Holocaust denial.  That’s messed up, dude.  I’m just here to play football and catch touchdowns.”

Trent Edwards, Owens’ quarterback, contends Owens has been a fine teammate.  He says he thought he understood the weight of Owens’ fame before, but after seeing it up close, he says he’s amazed what Owens has to deal with.

“The media scrutiny Terrell deals with is unbelievable.  At every turn they are trying to get him to say I’m not getting him the ball enough, or that coach isn’t making the right play calls, or to confirm that he has the world’s third-largest snuff film collection.  It’s insanity really.  I think he should be commended for handling it all with such class and dignity.”

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I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez

Senior year, homecoming dance.

There are some loser high major basketball recruits that are electing to go to their high school’s homecoming dance instead of midnight madness with Kansas. Let’s take a second to think about how shitty Kansas’ midnight madness must be…

By senior year of high school, there was a large group of us that were friends and hung out all the time. There were five guys and two girls. The one girl had a new friend that had started hanging around to start senior year. She was cute and fun, so she was well accepted by the group. We’ll call her “Huge Rack.” My buddy, one of my best friends of all time, had started dating her. We’ll call him “Mr. Smart.” Seriously, the guy never studied, had a serious alcohol problem, and went to two Ivy League schools for his undergraduate and graduate degrees. He is just effortlessly smart. Anyway, their relationship was cool because it never got awkward hanging out with them.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions in the end.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions in the end.

So, when homecoming came around, we all got together before the dance and ordered some pizza. Then we left and went to this cul-de-sac. We’d usually hang out there because it was in a new neighborhood with no houses, so we could sit around, drinking and talking, without dealing with parents. So, the eight of us went and hung out and pounded some beers for about an hour before going to the dance. This one dude who we knew but didn’t really hang out with had offered to have us all over for an after party. We’ll call him “Munson.” His folks were out of town and he didn’t want a big party, but he was cool with about 10 people coming to his place. So, we didn’t plan to stay at the dance for long and were planning to head to the party pretty quick.

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encyclopedia_brownIf you’re like me, you grew up reading the dazzling tales of young Leroy “Encyclopedia” Brown and the petty crimes he solved in his town.  We all knew that Encyclopedia Brown was a very bright young man with a future filled with promise. But things went very wrong somewhere along the way.

Some of you may know what happened to Mr. Brown when he grew up and left his home on Rover Avenue. But for those who have not heard this tragic story, allow me to fill you in. See, after high school, young Mr. Brown moved to Chicago to enroll at Northwestern University, where he had been accepted into their criminology program.

Unfortunately, Mr. Brown, being lonely and far from home, began running with the wrong crowd. He longed for a sense of belonging, and soon became addicted to gambling. He would spend his nights shooting dice on the south side of town, widely known to be the most unsavory part of the city.

Leroy, being extremely bright, but also physically imposing (you see, he stood about six foot-four) soon became something of a minor crime king in south Chicago. Those who knew the town well would tell you that you had better just beware of Mr. Brown when entering his neighborhood. As Leroy became more successful, his tastes grew more exotic, and his lifestyle became flashier. He drove a customized Continental, and also had an El Dorado.  He began wearing very fancy clothes, and he developed a particularly expensive taste for diamond rings, which he would show off at every opportunity.

Leroy’s new life was also a violent one. He was known to carry a .32 in his pocket, which he claimed was “for fun”, and he was rumored to hide a razor in his shoe. This new life was a far cry from the quiet suburbia of his youth. Leroy, in addition to his gambling and living on the outer edges of the law, was also a bit of a ladies’ man. As mentioned, he was of above-average height, and his stature and persona made him a hit with the fairer sex. Just as much as women loved him, men respected (and feared) him. In fact, the women of downtown referred to him as “Treetop Lover”, while the men just called him “sir.”

It seems that these tales always have a sad ending, and this one is no exception. You see, Leroy’s success in the seedy streets of Chicago soon went to his head. He became increasingly arrogant, and developed a strong sense of entitlement. One Friday night, he was at a bar, shooting dice as usual. At the edge of the bar sat a girl named Doris. And by all accounts, Doris was highly attractive. Leroy began paying attention to her, but Doris had a jealous husband who took exception to Leroy’s advances.  Soon the two men began fighting, and one witness later said that in the aftermath “Leroy looked like a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces gone”.

Obviously, Leroy’s parents were inconsolable. They had long since lost touch with the child they raised – the bright young man who was always helping solve crimes out of his homespun detective agency.  But they always held out hope that he would get back on the straight and narrow. Unfortunately, his stubborn pride and his insistence on being the, as he described it “baddest man in the whole damn town” made this an impossibility, and he breathed his dying breath on the floor of some dirty Chicago bar.

RIP, Leroy. We hardly knew ye.

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Whatever you do, don’t bend over in front of these links.

Sports

  • The Chinese want their own Tiger Woods. My guess is they’ll be wanting our women and children next.
  • Kentucky pops Tim Tebow’s cherry.
  • You’ll have a lot of fun with this. I know you will.

POP

Politics

  • Do terrorists really have no dignity at all? Feel free to drop your anal one-liners in the comments section.

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I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez

I think this week I’ll go with a series of stories about rape. I’m not a monster. In these stories, I was the victim every time. Sometimes more willingly than others, but in all cases, the women were stronger than me and pretty much dictated the evening.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions in the end.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions in the end.

I figure, what better way to tell these stories than chronological order. So, journey with me back to happier times, High school. When nothing mattered, my bills were mostly paid for, and all I really had to focus on was picking up chicks and then getting as far as I could with them. This objective, while sometimes taken to extremes, is still pretty much the focus of my life.

So, this particular time, I was a junior in high school and as usual, was out hanging with my friends. There wasn’t much going on, but nobody really wanted to go home early.

I had a friend who was an incredible fuck up. He was maybe 18 (I was 17) but he was already living in an apartment, kicked out of his parents’ house because he was constantly getting arrested, beat up, or asking them for money to pay for abortions. Clearly, when nothing else is happening, this is the guy you call. If for no other reason than if you sit there long enough, something will go down. As long as you stay out of it, you’ll be entertained.

We show up at his place and it’s like 10:30. It was me and three other guys who went over there. I swear to you, the evening started innocently enough – so innocent that I was drinking milk.

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I don’t see what the big deal is. They look like normal conservative children to me.

Spanish Prime Minitser's Daughters spoof

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Mel Gibson and his beaver from TMZ.com

So… the links are late. I blame the media.

Sports

  • Provocative and combative personality accuses the media of making him out to be provocative and combative.
  • Japanese Baseball has-been signs on with ESPN.
  • Tom Cable has a mean right.

POP

  • Pepsi decides advertising is a waste of time. (The Onion)
  • Mel Gibson plays with his beaver.
  • This game will totally destroy your productivity and you won’t care.

Poltics

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