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It was revealed recently that President Barack Obama was not meeting with the Dalai Lama on his trip to Washington. This will be the first time an American President has failed to meet with the religious leader, while he was visiting the nation’s capital. Media and news sources suggested that the move was an attempt to appease, or at least not enrage, China, a nation that holds around 1 billion dollars of American debt.

Well,I’m calling bullshit. We’re America. Since when do we care about debt? Hell, our entire economy is built on the assumption that people will spend beyond their means. There is a multi-billion dollar industry that deals solely with credit and debt related transactions. We spend money we don’t have. It’s the American way.

So, with a little digging, I discovered the real reason Obama didn’t want to meet with the Dalai Lama.

Sources inside the White House reported that the President and Vice President had a misunderstanding of who Tibetans were. They mistakingly believed that they were actually a group of sellout tourist dwarves. After this startling revelation, Joe Biden was quoted as saying, “that’s just weird… back in Scranton, Pennsylvania, when I would take the train there was this little midget fellow…” Biden then started mumbling nonsense and smiling intently to no one in particular.

Obama's Nightmare

This episode was a revealing peak into the mind of a President who emphasizes his willingness to meet with anyone from hostile world leaders, to cops and black professors… Really anyone willing to listen to him flexing his intellectual and rhetorical muscle. However, there is apparently a line drawn at campy Asian midgets.

Either our first black President isn’t so tolerant after all, or he had a traumatic Wizard of Oz experience. You be the judge.

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The Norwegian Nobel Committee started our morning early today with the surprising news that incumbent US President Barack Obama is to be awarded the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.  Having been nominated for the prize just 12 days after taking office and awarded a mere 8.5 months later, the announcement has caused reactions positive and negative. Some believe that it is acknowledgment of Obama’s message of hope, while others criticize it for rewarding words and not actions. The divided reaction internationally clearly shows that the celebrity of President Obama stretches beyond our national borders and engulfs the entire world. Was this award given genuinely or was it a way to garner publicity? Were the committee members swept up in the hype that they couldn’t evaluate Obama equitably? We’ll never know the motive.

So who can we tag as frontrunners for 2010? It seems clear what sort of direction the Nobel Committee is heading. Here are some possible leading candidates for next year:

  • Brett Favre – beat every team in the NFL in his career, thereby rallying every fanbase in unified hatred against him
  • Michael Jackson – helped us all remember that no matter how crazy and disturbed you are, if you’re talented enough, everyone will forget your flaws when you die
  • Oprah Winfrey – if you award Obama you’ve got to award the person who got him elected, right?
  • Hillary Clinton – because if they didn’t give it to her, you know she would assassinate President Obama in a jealous rage
  • Adolf Hitler – hasn’t killed in over 60 years, and his last living action was killing the most evil person in history

There you have it. Now you know who to come crying to when you’re shocked and appalled by next year’s awardee.

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Is this really the best Republicans can do in 2012?

Is this really the best Republicans can do in 2012?

Sarah Palin is widely considered a front-runner for the Republican nomination for president in 2012. But, to this moderate voter, I can’t tell why. Maybe I’m a conspiracy theorist. Part of me thinks the Republicans have had enough of running the country and they want a little break to re-evaluate their stance on many important issues. Another part of me thinks Palin is just a smokescreen, while some super-candidate is being groomed by dark forces behind the scenes. Someone who will be able to answer simple interview questions about newspapers. Someone from a relevant state. But, as a fairly conservative person, I’m certain the republicans won’t let Palin run for the presidency because I don’t see how that would work.

Apparently, neither Chris Christie nor Bob McDonnell think she’s appealing to the American people either.

Before I go on, I’d like to take a bit of an aside real quick. Male politicians with girl names need to change their names before running for office. If your name is Lindsay, change it to Lenny. If your parents hated you so much that they named you Ashley, go a completely different direction and change it to Don. Now, I accept that Chris is a fairly androgynous name and that’s ok. Then you have to look at the last name to see if it makes you look more feminine than masculine. Christie is in no way masculine. If the guy’s name was Chris Tubesteak, then he wouldn’t need to change his name, but to be safe, he really should just become Gary Christie.

This isn’t actually limited to feminine names. If you have a funny name like Ben Dover, Dick Trickle, or Wei Wang – change them. I do think that if you have multiple penis names that define you it’s fine as long as it isn’t making you seem tiny. Like Peter Johnson or Dick Wang – these names are fine unless you have the nickname “Pee Wee.”

So, back to Palin and whether she’s still a viable candidate. She once generated lots of money for the Republican party during the 2008 presidential cycle. Why are these two gubernatorial candidates in tight races afraid of being associated with her?

My conclusion is that everyone is finally realizing that she’s a crazy person. A crazy person. Loco.

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Rush Limbaugh Rams Billboard Spoof

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What more could I possibly add?

What more could I possibly add?

It’s zombie season and the whole world is getting in on the act. Most recently, Anna Nicole Smith, the one time hot playmate, then kinda skanky wife to really old guy, then combative widow, then dead bitch, and now zombie, may or may not be trying to kill her ex-husband’s son.

The FBI, who aren’t familiar with running successful operations or keeping secrets, accidentally let it slip that they once were investigating Anna Nicole.

Dick Cheney was quick to condemn them for risking national security by letting the bad guys know our next move. You may want to check out the poll to weigh in on whether Cheney is the pot in this name calling scenario.

But Cheney has a point. If we keep letting the zombies know all of our best zombie fighting tactics or tell them how much we know about their future plans, it just makes it that much easier for the zombies to work around our agents to get the brains they need to survive.

(more…)

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I’ve been around racists all my life. It comes with the territory being a Mexican in America. We’re like the new black. There are certainly people that treat me a certain way just because of the color of my skin.

Allegations of racism only leads to more racism.  Can't we just all get along?

Allegations of racism only leads to more racism. Can't we just all get along?

I’ve also noticed as a third party observer that there is another form of racism taking hold of our country, “being scared of being racist”. White people will let black people do almost anything no matter how inappropriate without saying much if anything. If they break a law, sure, whitey will step in and send them to jail, but if the subject offers anything beneficial to white society, most any indiscretion will be overlooked. Likewise, almost any crime perpetrated by a Mexican or a black against the other race will never even get investigated.

Here we are staring a perfect example in the face. A month ago, Kanye West made headlines for being an asshole. Today, Beyonce makes headlines for not only condoning his behavior, but understanding where he’s coming from. All in the name of art. A-R-T.

You see, she thinks she should have won the award and not Taylor Swift. That’s fine – I get being pompous. I’m as egotistical as they come, but I never think my ego should walk all over yours after I lose. That’s fucking stupid.

The real question is: when white people look past these horrible behaviors and lame excuses, is it racism? What would have been the response to Brian Littrell if he had stormed on stage and grabbed the microphone out of Beyonce’s hand? Would there have been a riot?Would Mexicans have been further persecuted?

You know the answer.

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Some of the least interesting athletic events, taking over a TV near you.

Some of the least interesting athletic events, taking over a TV near you.

Is anyone besides Obama or Oprah really surprised? It’s not like the ghettos of Caracas were up for consideration, and Caracas might be safer. I mean, if I was to pick a place to host the Olympics in America, Chicago wouldn’t have been an option since the 1940s. Was Chicago the best we could do? I’ve got a back yard full of dog shit, maybe next time we should suggest that. If you let me know you’re coming in advance, I’m not likely to shoot you.

Having been to Madrid and Rio, I can say without a doubt that those places are significantly better than Chicago. In fact, I drive a loop through Illinois and Indiana simply to avoid having to drive that horrible toll road through this country’s worst city. The toll road with $0.40 tolls every quarter mile? Yeah, that one.

As for Tokyo, I was only surprised they were voted out second instead of first. Against any other city besides Chicago or Caracas, they’d have been the first on the chopping block. So congratulations, Tokyo, you’re the suckiest city on that half of the globe. Apparently Chicago’s role as “worst place in America” was significant enough in the eyes of the voters to make it the suckiest city on Earth.

Maybe a big “Mission Accomplished” type banner is in order. I’m thinking along the highway at the edge of the city reading, “Suckiest City On Earth!”

What I want to know is how did Chicago even make the final 4? What group of mental giants was responsible for that? Or was it a joke, sort of like how Suzanne made it to the final 5 in Hell’s Kitchen even after the other chefs had tried to vote her off a few times. She was so bad that she was put on the guys’ team for a while. I don’t know what the equivalent of that would be for cities, but we need to do it with Chicago. Maybe make it join Atlantis on the underwater city team. You can send the residents too.

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