Archive for the ‘Football’ Category

A video of Al on her HDTV*

A video of Al on her HDTV*

I’m having a great football Saturday. My significant other is fishing on the coast and won’t return until tomorrow morning and my daughter’s at work, so I have total control of the remote. I’m supposed to be writing, but thanks to the power of wireless Internet, I’m able to do that on the couch in front of my 42” HD TV. And, really, nothing looks better on HD TV than college football. I’m flipping between one of the most exciting scoring shootouts in ACC history, Duke vs. NCSU* on ESPNU and what looked like it might be defensive SEC showdown, Mississippi vs. Alabama on CBS. Kind of sounds assbackwards, doesn’t it? I’m also enjoying the fact that UNC decided that a quarter or two of offense can be very useful in a football game, although I wish they’d make this discovery in an ACC game rather than against a non-FBS opponent. Oh, well, Georgia Southern is no Gardner-Webb.

Lane Stadium - Home of the Shysters, I mean Hokies

Lane Stadium - Home of the Shysters, I mean Hokies

Earlier today, I watched in shocked disbelief as No. 5 Virginia Tech beat the living bejesus out of Boston College. First of all, I’m shocked that a non-SEC, Big 10 or SEC team is ranked that high. Secondly, I can’t believe that Virginia Tech beat Boston College at all and certainly not by a score of 48-14. Usually, Virginia Tech can be counted on to crush all of the Tobacco Road teams that it’s allowed to play since the ridiculous expansion of the ACC, not to mention dashing Georgia Tech’s hopes for a BCS bowl, and then get embarrassed by Boston College, who usually goes into the game with at least 2 or 3 losses under its belt.

If you’re a Hokies fan or you’re one of those rare people who actually pays attention to ACC football year in and year out (like me), this drubbing of Boston College might have you excited. Tired of being razzed on by Pac 10 and Big 10 fans who seem to find ACC football hysterical (the irony of that being spectacular), you think, “Aha! This year Virginia Tech really is for real. This time they have a shot at helping prevent the ACC from being the laughingstock of bowl season. They’ve cleared the BC hurdle. We’re on our way.”

To that I say, “Not so fast, Sparky.”

The fact of the matter is that Virginia Tech is a sham. They are the Penn State or Ohio State of the ACC. They get all the accolades, the high rankings, the prediction that this is their year, but they can’t live up to the hype. It’s true. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fallen into the trap of thinking that Virginia Tech is for real. It’s like the days when I used to think Florida State was for real (yes, I’m that old) because they’d destroy all of their opponents in the then 9-team ACC, only to lose to Notre Dame or USC and, of course, Florida.

The story isn’t going to change, folks. This win over Boston College is just Virginia Tech’s attempt to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes. In reality, they will slice and dice their way through the conference, with possibly one other loss (I predict Maryland or Virginia). They will then meet whoever is the champ of the Atlantic Division (I predict Wake Forest, but it’s a toughie) and beat them something like 31-3. Then, amidst lots of fanfare, they’ll be off to the Orange Bowl only to be embarrassed by Cincinnati or Missouri (I predict a 27-7 score).

The Orange Bowl - Where VT will be squeezed

The Orange Bowl - Where VT will be squeezed

After the debacle is over, I’ll get the inevitable phone call from my father, a UVA fan, that’ll begin with “Stupid Hokies.” And I’ll have to say, “No, Daddy, they’re not stupid; they’re the snake oil salesmen of the ACC.”

*Denotes extreme sarcasm


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As the hours tick by and we wait to find out if Tim Tebow will be cleared to play tonight against LSU, I can’t help but wonder if Archie Griffin is secretly nervous.  Tebow, as you know unless you’re Nell, was hospitalized with a severe concussion after taking a hard hit from Kentucky’s Taylor Wyndham two weeks ago in Lexington.  Since the, the “will he or won’t he play?” discussions have dominated ESPN’s airwaves.

Griffin is the only two-time Heisman winner, having won the award in 1974 and 1975 when he was an amazing running back for Ohio State.  But Tebow was on track to win his second Heisman in three years until getting laid out.  (Getting laid out, not getting laid.  Calm down, Tebow Virginity Fans.)

Archie Griffin, 1974 & 1975 Heisman winner.

Archie Griffin, 1974 & 1975 Heisman winner.

Before the injury, this season’s Heisman voting process was more or less a formality.  In fact, in any other year, Tebow would just have accepted his first Nobel Peace Prize.  Unfortunately, Tebow picked the wrong year to go up against the Messiah.

So I like to think that somewhere in Columbus, Archie Griffin is pacing nervously. If Tebow doesn’t play tonight, maybe it opens the window for someone else, like maybe Jimmy Clausen. (Note:  when Lou Holtz reads that, he won’t need Cialis.  Or as he calls it, “Shtheallisth.”)

But what if Tebow plays?  Worse yet, what if he’s good?  What if he leads the Gators to a dramatic SEC road win with a touchdown as time expires?  Tebow’s legend would only grow.  And that might just seal the deal on this year’s Heisman trophy.

Tebow winning the Heisman would signal the end of the one thing Griffin and Buckeye fans have been able to hold onto for all these years.  His NFL career was nothing to speak of, especially as he ended up washing out of the USFL.  Being the Heisman trivia answer has been Griffin’s claim to fame for almost 35 years.  If Tebow walks on water tonight in Baton Rouge, Griffin’s biggest accomplishment suddenly loses its luster.

Tim Tebow, Heisman winner, Nobel Prize runner-up

Tim Tebow, Heisman winner, Nobel Prize runner-up

By all accounts Griffin is an extremely nice guy, and I presume he’s far too classy to wish continued injury on a young man, especially for selfish reasons.  But for my own satisfaction, and for the sake of this blog, I’m just going to disregard all that.

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The much anticipated kick-off to the inaugural UFL season begins tonight on VS.  The four team, six game season will no doubt thrill football fans of all backgrounds.  League officials are confident that the UFL will in no way follow in the dubious footsteps of every other previous league that has failed miserably to find either an audience or any sense of relevance whatsoever.

So, the question is:

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Rush Limbaugh Rams Billboard Spoof

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I think we’d be remiss in not mentioning the start of the baseball playoffs, which begin tonight on TBS with a one game play-in between the Tigers and the Twins for the AL Central crown.  Less than 24 hours after the Metrodome hosted (arguably) the most significant football game in its existence, our beloved ‘Sotans roll out the blue saran-wrapped outfield walls for an (un-)equally important baseball game (I keed, dontcha know).

Heaven forbid we blasphemize Favre with the retired Twins numbers

Heaven forbid we blasphemize Favre with the retired Twins' numbers

Later on the Deuce, the Troy Trojans play the Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders in a riveting  listless Sun Belt showdown.  In a mildly ironic twist, the Blue Raiders feature a ‘horse’ as their primary mascot and the battle (Kellen Winslow’s words, not mine) is in Troy’s home stadium (a word of Roman not Greek origin).  If I were the Trojans, I would probably reject any gifts that come to the locker room during halftime (Fool me once, shame on you)…

Speaking of ifs… If I were a younger man, I might pull a sports mini-marathon to catch both of these non-captivating games with the only interruption being intermittent Halo 3 matches and the occasional hiss of a Rock Green Light being opened.  But alas, tonight I must bathe my wife and put her down to bed at 7:30 p.m. then stay up to watch Real Housewives of Atlanta with my 1 y/o daughter.  Or is that the other way around? 

Ah, to be young again…

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As I sit here writing, I am 1-3 in my Fantasy League with arguably the greatest roster ever assembled…  Okay, I lied.  I’m 2-2*, but I’m pretty sure nobody else in my league is even adjusting their roster anymore, which means I might as well be winless.

I’m starting to think my participation in this league is just to prove that no matter how perfect sports appear on the surface, they’ll still inevitably punch you in the face and kiss your kid sister.  How else can you explain drafting the top player at three positions (Peyton, Peterson, 49ers) and having 3 of the top 5 players (Andre Johnson, Vincent Jackson, DeSean Jackson) at another position, and still be losing in your league? In the words of my favorite French poet, Connerie, “Ef Emme Elle.”

When it comes to sports, I feel like Martin Starr in a Judd Apatow feature.  I’m pretty much always there but at the expense of myself.  I wanna be Paul Rudd, or better yet Ken Jeong…  Is that too much to ask?

not that kind of fantasy...

not that kind of sports fantasy...

I was a die-hard Marlins and Buccaneers fan, only to move away from South-Central Florida and watch one win two World Series and the other a Superbowl in the span of 6 years… from 1,000 miles away.  I entered college three years after my beloved University of Kentucky Wildcats concluded their greatest 10 year stretch in history…  Only to watch their worst 5 year stretch in history from the comfort of my $5 fourth-row seats.  Repeat after me, friends, “Ef Emme Elle.”

Why are you laughing?  You’re not laughing?  Oh…

We’re all part of a sports punch-line.  If you live and die by a college football team, guess what?  The (BCS) joke’s on you.  You’re an MLB fan?  Good luck with all of those asterisks.  And if you’re into the NFL, you’re a proxy for gambling, fantasy follies and worst of all, performance-enhanced marketing mayhem. Seriously, I’m still amazed that America can be convinced that a GMC is worth purchasing or that Coors is a palatable beer.

What?  You prefer hockey?  I can’t even respond to that.  Honestly…  That’s like trying to ask Audrina Patridge to talk about TNC’s in China.  We’re both likely to respond that venereal diseases can be prevented through proper precautions…

Back to my point (what point?).  You might say, “Dude, you’ve seen 5 championships between your three favorite teams over the past 15 years.”  I’d tell you a) I deserve better than you and b) it’s human nature to always want more…  I spent 3 days of alone time with your WAG the last two weekends but I still want her to “show me her record collection” at least one more time before I die.  (I’ll be here all week, folks.)

We want perfection.  Or maybe we don’t.  Maybe we just want to be there when the proverbial poopoo meets the fan blade.  This is the world that we live in.  We can tweet our favorite athlete (try saying that five years ago and not get banished from your local Sports Bar) and shower with them after every victory (not yet, but if Jerry Jones had his way… watch out) but we’re still just the guy driving to the store in his Silverado to put a case of Coors on our Visa.

So sit back, relax and enjoy the triviality of our collective existence.  And please don’t tell me you’d rather find some deeper meaning in life (or sports)…

* I’m really 3-1, but I’ve never known a good story without someone altering the facts a little bit to protect the innocent.

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Apparently the Green Bay Packers thought it would be a good idea to dress up in pretty pink hats and wear pink scarves and wipe their overrated faces with pink towels.

packers pinkIn related news, the Packers are currently getting blown out by their purple clad neighbors, the Minnesota Vikings, and The Sensei is bored as shit despite consuming six Busch Lights and downloading a full episode of milfhunter on his laptop.

Now this may be some sort of breast cancer fundraising effort, but to that I say this: “who cares?”

Breast cancer is for old women and lesbians, and those groups don’t have any basic human rights.

And if you are married to an old woman or a lesbian you have bigger problems than a garbage football team dressed in pink, so please spare EJSIC the hate mail.

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