Archive for the ‘Tennis’ Category

Justine Henin refuses to go away

Justine Henin refuses to go away

Former world number one and compulsive whiner, Justine Henin, once again shocked nobody by announcing she will end her brief, 15-month “retirement” following fellow countrywoman Kim Clijster’s return and surprising win at this year’s U.S. Open earlier this month.

“A flame I thought was extinguished forever suddenly lit up again,” Henin announced.  She apparently hopes to compete at the top of the sport again as soon as next January’s Australian Open…where she will undoubtedly lose, complain about some illness or injury, then hold a tear-filled press-conference announcing how her “road has come to an end….again.”

When asked if it would have just been better to announce that she needed some time away from the sport to rest and regroup rather than labeling it “retiring,” the quitter responded, “Did Kim call it that?  Because if that’s what she did, then probably.”

The 7-time Grand Slam winner’s return to the game is expected to last forever due to the fact that her abrupt departure and general not being around was the kind of great thing for the world of sports that only happens once.  It may simply never happen again in this millennium.


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Dear Juan Martin,

del Jerkface and Federer

Congratulations on winning your first major title in epic fashion at this year’s U.S. Open.   It was a stunning victory and you should be extremely proud of the way you performed.  Defeating a player like Federer on a stage which he had not lost a single match in 6 years is quite impressive.  And to play so well in the type of long match you are not particularly accustomed to playing really added to the already staggering accomplishment.

But, you see, Juan Martin, in the fourth set of Monday’s match, I was prepared for what I like to refer to as “Classic Federer™,”  a phenomenon where he kicks his game into 5th…or sometimes even 6th or 7th gear and leaves his opponent behind, bewildered and broken.  So, I wrote the following letter to Roger as I anticipated his inevitable victory:

Dear Roger,

Congratulations on winning your 16th major title in epic fashion at this year’s U.S. Open.  It was a stunning victory that has helped cement your status as the greatest tennis player of all-time.  It was the cap to a remarkable year.  And, indeed, it has been a remarkable year for you.  You won 3 of this year’s major events.  You earned a career Grand Slam…something only a select handful of players have accomplished…by finally capturing the French Open title.  Then, you followed that by surpassing Pete Sampras as the all-time leader in Grand Slam titles by winning Wimbledon in June.  Now, you have just added icing to your already finely-decorated cake by raising your 6th consecutive U.S. Open trophy.

Frankly, you have nothing left to prove.

So, why not take a year off and rest.  Raise your new-born daughters.  Spend time with your wife.  Take a well deserved break.  And most importantly…give someone else a chance to win something.  You have the records.  You’re still several years from retirement.  What’s one year?

Just think of how much you could get done outside of tennis with a year.  Think about how less sick of you winning every tournament we, the fans, will be after a whole year without you.  It’s a win-win situation, Roger.  Just think about it.

That’s all I ask.



But..NOOO.  You couldn’t let me post that open letter could you, Juan Martin?  You had to dig deeper than you ever had in your 20 years on this earth and pull off the impossible.   How selfish of you to pick that moment to prove to the world that you belong near the top of the tennis world.  YOU.  It’s not always about you.

Thanks a lot.  Oh…and again, congratulations.  I hope you’re happy.



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