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Archive for the ‘Wanton Disdain’ Category

Tomorrow is arguably the worst day of the year.  That hideous ruse of a holiday…Columbus Day.  I have decided to use this platform to air my grievances about this horrible, stupid day.  So, here are my top 10* reasons for why I hate Columbus Day:

10. It’s based on a dirty, dirty lie. Everyone knows that Columbus didn’t discover America.  The Norse found it some 400 years before Chrissy-boy was even born.   In 1964, Leif Ericson was given a commemorative day in October as well.  Well, whoop-di-doo!  More people know about Lumpy Rug Day than Leif Ericson Day.   Nice respect there.

9. FDR. Columbus Day became a federal holiday in 1934 under the administration of Franklin D. Roosevelt.  And it is no secret that FDR was one of the worst presidents in the history of our country.  To my knowledge, officially establishing Columbus Day was FDR’s only contribution to America.  Thanks a  lot, Frank!  You could have bombed somebody, but nooo…you gave us a crappy holiday.  No wonder you couldn’t walk.

Don't trust this man

Do not trust this man

8. Columbus is of questionable origin. His nationality is commonly listed as “Genoese.”  Where the hell is that?  That’s not even a real country.  We celebrate a dude who came from a made-up country?  Unless someone provides me with a Genoa certificate of live birth, I’m not buying it.  Besides, in school, we were taught he was from Italy.  Or Spain.  I don’t remember.  So, which is it?  Oh, hey, speaking of school…

7. …Columbus is a jerk. He made me learn stuff as a kid that I has never been useful.  Because of him, I can tell you that his three ships were the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria.  I actually put my knowledge of this information on a job application once and was politely asked to leave.  So glad I learned that and not something useful, like how to change a flat tire.   He was also stupid looking.

6. No one knows when it is. It’s only been within the past couple of years that I have even learned that Columbus Day is sometime in October.  That’s all I know.  I’m always caught off guard by it and being caught off guard is just not cool.

5. No gifts. When was the last time you received a Columbus Day gift?  That’s right, never.  Historically speaking, the only “gift” Columbus and his crew gave in 1492 was smallpox.  So, if you want to celebrate truthfully, I hope you enjoy your infectious diseases.

4. Those terrible Columbus Day TV specials. Granted, The Muppets Take the New World was pretty entertaining.  But, name one other C-Day special that wasn’t horrible?  You can’t.  I remember in college, seeing Rob Thomas sing a modified  version of “I Saw Three Ships” from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on some TNT special, and I still haven’t recovered.

3. It’s inherently racist. I am 1/32 Native American on my mother’s side.  So I am entitled to be a little infuriated at the celebration of a guy who came here and just mowed down my ancestors.  I tend to think that the people Venezuela got this one right.  Hugo Chavez 1 – Columbus 0.

2. Lousy sales. There is no such thing as a “good” Columbus Day sale.  The only holiday with worse sales is Arbor Day.  Sales for Christmas go on for weeks/months beforehand.  Even Presidents Day has better sales.  And Presidents Day is a complete waste of time.

1. I still have to work. I’m trying to think of a job that I have held that has given me this joke of a holiday off…and I can’t come up with one.  In fact, at my current job, tomorrow is one of our 10 busiest days of the year.  What’s the point of having a holiday if you don’t even get the day off?  Super lame.

*- Honorable mention goes to the fact that it shares a name with Columbus, OH.  And nothing good ever comes from Columbus, OH.

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What more could I possibly add?

What more could I possibly add?

It’s zombie season and the whole world is getting in on the act. Most recently, Anna Nicole Smith, the one time hot playmate, then kinda skanky wife to really old guy, then combative widow, then dead bitch, and now zombie, may or may not be trying to kill her ex-husband’s son.

The FBI, who aren’t familiar with running successful operations or keeping secrets, accidentally let it slip that they once were investigating Anna Nicole.

Dick Cheney was quick to condemn them for risking national security by letting the bad guys know our next move. You may want to check out the poll to weigh in on whether Cheney is the pot in this name calling scenario.

But Cheney has a point. If we keep letting the zombies know all of our best zombie fighting tactics or tell them how much we know about their future plans, it just makes it that much easier for the zombies to work around our agents to get the brains they need to survive.

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Wanton Disdain Comics: Tennessee Volunteer Diversity

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John Calipari demonstrates his patented shady recruiting technique.

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With Major League Baseball deep in the throes of its annual stretch run, many teams are positioning to achieve a playoff berth. Meanwhile, the New York Mets, baseball’s most lovable losers, are determined to outdo their late season collapses of the past two seasons by finishing in last place in the National League East division.

“We have conditioned our fans to have a certain set of expectations, and we intend to meet them,” Mets General Manager Omar Minaya stated. “You saw us lose it in style in 2007, then we repeated with in 2008; just wait until you see what we’ve got in store for you this year,” Minaya said with a wink and a smile.

In 2007, the Mets led the NL East division by 7 games on September 12th before making history, losing 12 of the last 17 games to succumb to the surging Philadelphia Phillies and miss the playoffs. They repeated their late season swoon in 2008 by falling in 10 of the last 17 to lose the division lead again, as well as their chance at the Wild Card in their final game. This season, the Mets find themselves secured in fourth place in the NL East after September 21st with 11 left to play: 15.5 games behind the Atlanta Braves, 13 games ahead of the Washington Nationals, and 23.5 games behind the first place Phillies.

With just 11 games remaining and a 13 game lead over the MLB-worst Washington Nationals, it is mathematically impossible for the Mets to be overtaken. When the numbers were laid out for Minaya, he didn’t seem to understand. When the subtraction was done for him on a nearby whiteboard, Minaya discourteously snapped, “What are you, some kind of astronaut? We’re just trying to lose baseball games here.”

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Look, I get that I am supposed to watch and love Mad Men.  I do.

But I don’t and therefore, can’t.

Only losers don't watch this show.

Believe me, I’m not proud of this.  I don’t wear it like some badge of honor.  I HATE myself for the fact that several of my discerning friends watch and adore the show…yet I still don’t.

AMC’s period drama has had critics and fans alike buzzing for the past 2 seasons.  Season 3 premiered last month to rave reviews and just last night, the show picked up the Oustanding Drama Series Emmy for the second year in a row.

It has also won a couple of other awards in its relatively short lifespan.

So, I am forced to ask myself the tough question: “why can’t I devote an hour a week to a show that I will obviously love instead of focusing my time and effort on obnoxious (and completely worthless) programs like The Biggest Loser and the new Melrose Place?”

The answer is two-fold:  “I don’t know.”  and  “I hate myself.”

One might argue that it has something to do with the fact that AMC itself joined my completely petty, but strictly adhered-to, list of networks that have ceased to exist in my world (MTV and E!, I’m looking at you) a few years ago.   But, I still watch The Soup on E!, so exceptions are possible…which rules that out.

It could be that Sunday night is already packed with shows that I love.  But then again, Mad Men airs at 10pm and there is nothing worth watching on Sunday after 9:30.  So, that doesn’t work either.

I suppose it could have a lot to do with the fact that I am afraid to jump into an established series 2+ seasons into it’s run.  “Will I get it?”  “Will I feel bad asking which one is Jon Hamm?”

But, I think the main reason is that critically-acclaimed shows that I love and embrace…are routinely canceled and I am left with a cavernous, Deadwood-shaped hole in my soul.

However, in the end, it really just comes down to the fact that I suck.  So, I’m sorry Mad Men.   As much as it pains me to say it…it’s not you.  It’s me.

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yale_universityHow many murders go unsolved across this nation every year? The most recent data I could find shows us in 2004, there were 6,035 unsolved murders in this country. Approximately 35% of the murders committed each year go unsolved. So, clearly it’s not that uncommon.

I’m not really disturbed about the number of unsolved murders, I’m disturbed that a university of Yale’s stature would have a lab tech so stupid as to get caught. I mean, every year, the Yales and Harvards of the world get all high and mighty with the rest of the country, going on and on about how smart they are and how much better their graduates must be. They get the best jobs, they earn the most money, and now we know, they also learn the least.

So, here’s a suggestion, Yale: next year, introduce a course entitled Common Sense 101 – How to Get Away with Murder. You can use big words or whatever it is that makes your classes better than ITT, but the key is teaching your sheltered student population a little common sense so they’re prepared to deal with the real world. Maybe get OJ to teach the course. Or I’d be happy to. In fact, there are apparently over 6,000 qualified teachers available every year. And most of them didn’t even graduate high school.

That’s probably the most embarrassing thing for you, Yale. You sit there in your ivory tower, getting snooty with society and looking down your nose at us, but when push comes to shove, we’re better than you. I mean, maybe it’s time to have some sort of post college standardized testing so those of us who don’t go to your shit college won’t be falsely labeled ‘stupid.’

I mean, the guy knew her. He could have waited outside and asked her to dinner to talk over a lab problem or whatever pretext he had to use to get her to join him. Then instead of dinner, he’d give her the ole stabbaroo, get a hobo drunk, wait for him to pass out and then grip the murder weapon in his hand to frame him.

Or he could have followed her around until there was a chance to jump her while she was alone – just make it look like a random mugging that went wrong and resulted in her death.

Or, shit, she was getting married on Saturday. If she was going overseas on her honeymoon, as those elitist Yalies certainly would, he could have hired someone to kill her while she was on her honeymoon. Actually, that’s probably a bad idea because it would be easier to get away with murder in the US.

But no, this MENSA member stuffs the bitch in a wall inside of a building with like 50 cameras. Seriously? I mean, seriously?

Watch this Yale. Readers who didn’t attend an Ivy League school, can you come up with a way to whack this chick without getting caught?

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