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You may have seen the infamous “three wolves moon” t-shirt by now. It’s a 5-star product at the electronic supermarket known as Amazon.com and with its appearance in last night’s episode of The Office, sported by none other than Dwight K. Schrute; it only stands to grow even more in popularity.

A little research into the shirt reveals a subculture which believes it possesses mystical powers of sexual seduction. Can this phenomenon really be true? Surely it takes more than a man’s shirt to attract a woman.

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As a guy who considers himself fashionable, yet not to the point of obsession and GQ subscription, I always considered the shirt one of horrible taste. Frankly, I thought of the shirt as Billy Madison would: “If I caught myself in clothes like that, I’d have to kick my own ass.” I can picture someone of Native American heritage wearing it or even the super-nerd persona played by Rainn Wilson on The Office, but not anyone of reputable dress.

Now, let’s get back to the subculture surrounding the shirt. To the proud owners, it is transcendent; a sign of power and allure. For evidence, let us look at a few of the customer comments on Amazon. B. Govern of New Jersey writes: “This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened.”

The only thing which could make it better, according to Govern, is more wolves and ones that glow in the dark. Does nothing else say “blow me” to a chick better than glowing wolves on a guy’s shirt? At least, for B. Govern, apparently not.

While our friend B.G. may have been the first to discover the value, he is certainly not alone. T. Guymon of Anaheim, CA is “swimming in a sea of babes the likes of which are usually found on those K-Tel infomercials. I’m also more confident at work, and expect to be promoted to cashier soon. I owe everything to this shirt.”

How is this possible? Are the universal laws enough to explain it? Can Newtonian science make another breakthrough (hurry, someone revive Sir Isaac)? It seems impossible to me that the shirt has any powers of sexual seduction, but there’s only one way to find out.

Yes, in the name of humanity, I will be performing an experiment. I will purchase the shirt and wear it in public a few times. I will also report back to the blog with my experiences: the good and the bad. My curiosity is now at critical mass. I must know if the shirt has the power its owners claim. I encourage any reader out there to do the same and to leave your experiences in the comment sections of my updates.

I expect to wear the shirt about five or six times at various public places in order to fully gauge the influence the t-shirt may or may not hold. I will be looking for the following:

  1. Does the number of females who approach me increase or decrease?
  2. Does the shirt boost my own self-confidence or change the way I feel when wearing it?
  3. Does the number of times of sexual intercourse increase or decrease when wearing this shirt?
  4. Are non-wolf-shirt-wearing males intimidated by my presence?
  5. Finally, do I achieve greater than normal success in class and work?

Let the experimenting begin. My next update on this series will follow the day after my first public appearance in it. Wish me luck.

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Luke Warm Linkage

weatherman-boner-thumb

Luke Warm Linkage gets boner meds the right way… From Canada.

Sports

  • Tim Tebow will play versus LSU, unless those pesky doctors get in the way.
  • IAAF plans to formalize gender determination process. I’m guessing the light fondling approach wasn’t good enough.
  • Play GM for the NY Mets. They couldn’t do much worse.

POP

  • Ali and Lindsay Lohan are apparently Geniuses. My mom says I’m handsome.
  • Miley Cyrus raps her break-up note to Twitter.
  • Lamar Odom may have knocked up Khloe Kardashian. It’s never good to compound one terrible mistake with another, Lamar.

Politics

As the hours tick by and we wait to find out if Tim Tebow will be cleared to play tonight against LSU, I can’t help but wonder if Archie Griffin is secretly nervous.  Tebow, as you know unless you’re Nell, was hospitalized with a severe concussion after taking a hard hit from Kentucky’s Taylor Wyndham two weeks ago in Lexington.  Since the, the “will he or won’t he play?” discussions have dominated ESPN’s airwaves.

Griffin is the only two-time Heisman winner, having won the award in 1974 and 1975 when he was an amazing running back for Ohio State.  But Tebow was on track to win his second Heisman in three years until getting laid out.  (Getting laid out, not getting laid.  Calm down, Tebow Virginity Fans.)

Archie Griffin, 1974 & 1975 Heisman winner.

Archie Griffin, 1974 & 1975 Heisman winner.

Before the injury, this season’s Heisman voting process was more or less a formality.  In fact, in any other year, Tebow would just have accepted his first Nobel Peace Prize.  Unfortunately, Tebow picked the wrong year to go up against the Messiah.

So I like to think that somewhere in Columbus, Archie Griffin is pacing nervously. If Tebow doesn’t play tonight, maybe it opens the window for someone else, like maybe Jimmy Clausen. (Note:  when Lou Holtz reads that, he won’t need Cialis.  Or as he calls it, “Shtheallisth.”)

But what if Tebow plays?  Worse yet, what if he’s good?  What if he leads the Gators to a dramatic SEC road win with a touchdown as time expires?  Tebow’s legend would only grow.  And that might just seal the deal on this year’s Heisman trophy.

Tebow winning the Heisman would signal the end of the one thing Griffin and Buckeye fans have been able to hold onto for all these years.  His NFL career was nothing to speak of, especially as he ended up washing out of the USFL.  Being the Heisman trivia answer has been Griffin’s claim to fame for almost 35 years.  If Tebow walks on water tonight in Baton Rouge, Griffin’s biggest accomplishment suddenly loses its luster.

Tim Tebow, Heisman winner, Nobel Prize runner-up

Tim Tebow, Heisman winner, Nobel Prize runner-up

By all accounts Griffin is an extremely nice guy, and I presume he’s far too classy to wish continued injury on a young man, especially for selfish reasons.  But for my own satisfaction, and for the sake of this blog, I’m just going to disregard all that.

It was revealed recently that President Barack Obama was not meeting with the Dalai Lama on his trip to Washington. This will be the first time an American President has failed to meet with the religious leader, while he was visiting the nation’s capital. Media and news sources suggested that the move was an attempt to appease, or at least not enrage, China, a nation that holds around 1 billion dollars of American debt.

Well,I’m calling bullshit. We’re America. Since when do we care about debt? Hell, our entire economy is built on the assumption that people will spend beyond their means. There is a multi-billion dollar industry that deals solely with credit and debt related transactions. We spend money we don’t have. It’s the American way.

So, with a little digging, I discovered the real reason Obama didn’t want to meet with the Dalai Lama.

Sources inside the White House reported that the President and Vice President had a misunderstanding of who Tibetans were. They mistakingly believed that they were actually a group of sellout tourist dwarves. After this startling revelation, Joe Biden was quoted as saying, “that’s just weird… back in Scranton, Pennsylvania, when I would take the train there was this little midget fellow…” Biden then started mumbling nonsense and smiling intently to no one in particular.

Obama's Nightmare

This episode was a revealing peak into the mind of a President who emphasizes his willingness to meet with anyone from hostile world leaders, to cops and black professors… Really anyone willing to listen to him flexing his intellectual and rhetorical muscle. However, there is apparently a line drawn at campy Asian midgets.

Either our first black President isn’t so tolerant after all, or he had a traumatic Wizard of Oz experience. You be the judge.

The Norwegian Nobel Committee started our morning early today with the surprising news that incumbent US President Barack Obama is to be awarded the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.  Having been nominated for the prize just 12 days after taking office and awarded a mere 8.5 months later, the announcement has caused reactions positive and negative. Some believe that it is acknowledgment of Obama’s message of hope, while others criticize it for rewarding words and not actions. The divided reaction internationally clearly shows that the celebrity of President Obama stretches beyond our national borders and engulfs the entire world. Was this award given genuinely or was it a way to garner publicity? Were the committee members swept up in the hype that they couldn’t evaluate Obama equitably? We’ll never know the motive.

So who can we tag as frontrunners for 2010? It seems clear what sort of direction the Nobel Committee is heading. Here are some possible leading candidates for next year:

  • Brett Favre – beat every team in the NFL in his career, thereby rallying every fanbase in unified hatred against him
  • Michael Jackson – helped us all remember that no matter how crazy and disturbed you are, if you’re talented enough, everyone will forget your flaws when you die
  • Oprah Winfrey – if you award Obama you’ve got to award the person who got him elected, right?
  • Hillary Clinton – because if they didn’t give it to her, you know she would assassinate President Obama in a jealous rage
  • Adolf Hitler – hasn’t killed in over 60 years, and his last living action was killing the most evil person in history

There you have it. Now you know who to come crying to when you’re shocked and appalled by next year’s awardee.

Is this really the best Republicans can do in 2012?

Is this really the best Republicans can do in 2012?

Sarah Palin is widely considered a front-runner for the Republican nomination for president in 2012. But, to this moderate voter, I can’t tell why. Maybe I’m a conspiracy theorist. Part of me thinks the Republicans have had enough of running the country and they want a little break to re-evaluate their stance on many important issues. Another part of me thinks Palin is just a smokescreen, while some super-candidate is being groomed by dark forces behind the scenes. Someone who will be able to answer simple interview questions about newspapers. Someone from a relevant state. But, as a fairly conservative person, I’m certain the republicans won’t let Palin run for the presidency because I don’t see how that would work.

Apparently, neither Chris Christie nor Bob McDonnell think she’s appealing to the American people either.

Before I go on, I’d like to take a bit of an aside real quick. Male politicians with girl names need to change their names before running for office. If your name is Lindsay, change it to Lenny. If your parents hated you so much that they named you Ashley, go a completely different direction and change it to Don. Now, I accept that Chris is a fairly androgynous name and that’s ok. Then you have to look at the last name to see if it makes you look more feminine than masculine. Christie is in no way masculine. If the guy’s name was Chris Tubesteak, then he wouldn’t need to change his name, but to be safe, he really should just become Gary Christie.

This isn’t actually limited to feminine names. If you have a funny name like Ben Dover, Dick Trickle, or Wei Wang – change them. I do think that if you have multiple penis names that define you it’s fine as long as it isn’t making you seem tiny. Like Peter Johnson or Dick Wang – these names are fine unless you have the nickname “Pee Wee.”

So, back to Palin and whether she’s still a viable candidate. She once generated lots of money for the Republican party during the 2008 presidential cycle. Why are these two gubernatorial candidates in tight races afraid of being associated with her?

My conclusion is that everyone is finally realizing that she’s a crazy person. A crazy person. Loco.

Luke Warm Linkage

obama_smoking

Luke Warm Linkage apparently won the Noble Prize for Barely Relevant Link Distribution . We’re glad to know they recognize our potential.

Sports

  • Gunslingers: Wear the ass sweat of a legend.
  • We’re still praying for you St Louis.
  • Being a billionaire married to a Swedish model isn’t enough for Tiger Woods. Now he gets to win gold medals too.

POP

  • Family finds a dead deer in a clown suit on their porch. It’s like a horse head in the bed, only funnier.
  • It’s apparently gay to suck on fags. (Think British thoughts.)

Politics

  • Obama “wins” the Nobel Peace Prize. Seriously?