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So, in the gentle recesses of Central Bluegrassia it’s getting cold outside.  Not too cold, but just enough of a mix of cold and rain that someone is inevitably going to get sick.  When you have a one year old female in the house, you don’t have to draw straws to figure out who’s going first.  Sure enough, 7:30 p.m. rolls around last night and my daughter sounds more and more like Kathleen Turner than, well… Kathleen Turner.  

My wife, being the paranoid parent that she is, hops on our Dell and types my daughter’s symptoms into the Google search box.  What pops up?  One word: Croup.

Is this how you croup?

Is this how you croup?

Now, it’s amazing what a man can learn on any given day.  If you would have asked me what croup was before last night, I probably would have told you that it was a British Nudists’ Boating Sport (and I would have probably tried to sign up for the next available entry).  Alas, my expansive mental database of trivial knowledge failed me (for the first time ever).  Croup is actually defined as a swelling of the vocal cords, causing breathing difficulties accompanied by a barking cough (I knew all of that freelance singing would catch up with her).  I don’t know if you catch croup or develop it but either way, you sure as hell have fun saying it…  “Croup.”

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I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
So, after my scare with Federal agents removing my crop of plants, I’m absolutely positive that you all won’t be shocked to hear that I continued making poor decisions, particularly with my drug use. As I said before, I wasn’t an addict. Well, that may have been true the last time when the DEA was uprooting my babies, but that isn’t the case at all by the end of my senior year of high school. I was clearly an addict and to make matters even worse, I was also a drunk.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

At this point in my life, I was lazy and doing a lot of drugs. Mostly pot, LSD, and mushrooms, though I would rarely turn anything down. Being a lazy stoner, college was about the last thing on my mind. My parents had other plans. They had worked hard to get to where they were and I was going to college – no question.

So, I applied early admission to South Carolina and got in. Done. At that point, even though I probably could have gone to a better school, I was in, end of conversation. That’s really when things went from bad to worse.

As the entrepreneur, I was always looking for new ways to make money. As I’d said, I had good connections for drugs. I had started buying in bulk when I needed seeds for my horticultural experiment. So, it was a natural transition from drug user to drug dealer. And it turns out, I knew a lot of people that wanted drugs but didn’t have much access to them. And thus, a star was born.

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Going...going...

The much anticipated kick-off to the inaugural UFL season begins tonight on VS.  The four team, six game season will no doubt thrill football fans of all backgrounds.  League officials are confident that the UFL will in no way follow in the dubious footsteps of every other previous league that has failed miserably to find either an audience or any sense of relevance whatsoever.

So, the question is:

Rush Limbaugh Rams Billboard Spoof

GTAI try not to be the type to blame the crimes of our youth on video games. Being an avid gamer myself, I find it unlikely that I will suddenly be compelled to purchase a firearm in order to defend myself from the onslaught of Nazi zombies. Generally speaking, I seriously doubt that video games have anything to do with most of the crimes committed by young Americans. There are, of course, always exceptions. One of these exceptions goes by the name Colton Harris-Moore, AKA: the “Barefoot Burglar”.

Colt is an 18 year old resident of Camano Island, WA whose criminal career began when he was 12. Local law enforcement may not have figured this out yet, but it doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to figure out that the start of Colt’s unlawful habits coincided with the release of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Between the ages of 12 and 15 Colt racked up 5 arrests. Seriously, what the hell? When I was that age, I hadn’t accumulated more than five of anything. Well, maybe I had more than five Dream Team cups from McDonalds, but still, who gets arrested before growing pubes? I thought having pubes was a requirement of some sort. Where did he get the ego boost from? I tried to steal a Clearly Canadian when I was 13, but the clerk at the gas station noticed the “John Holmes” size bulge in my jorts and busted me. I didn’t get arrested though. He just kicked me out. This kid was burglarizing homes, breaking into cars, and stealing credit card numbers. Guess what he bought with the stolen credit card information? That’s right, video games.

image-five-great-flying-picAt this point you might be asking yourself, what is it that makes Colt so different from thousands of other misguided teens across this great land of ours? Well, while those other kids are out there joyriding, our boy Colt, he’s out there joyflying. That’s right; he’s stealing planes and taking them for a spin. Does he know how to fly? No. Does he know how to land? No. Did he read a flight manual one time, you betcha.

What a freaking sack this kid has on him. At this point, does he even give a rats ass about the cops? Once you get that sucker up in the air, you’ve got to get it back on the ground. On both known occasions when Colt has commandeered private planes, he has flown them until they ran out of gas, then crash landed them in some random clearing. Authorities say he has walked away from both crashes unharmed. I hear that the “Barefoot Burglar” has a Facebook fan page. I think I am going to join. Fly, Colt, fly.
art.colt

Luke Warm Linkage

Flop on the phone trying to get his DSL back up.

Flop on the phone trying to get his DSL back up.

Luke Warm Linkage has been experiencing technical difficulties. Blame it on my Downhome Kentucky DSL. Seriously. Call your Senator for me. Please.

Sports

  • Crapthorpe on his way out at Louisville?
  • ESPN thinks you care about High School Girls Basketball. Do you?
  • Spoiled Brat blames his agent for holdout.
  • Shawne Merriman is soft. Maybe it’s from too much Tequila?

POP

  • Woman throws her own carcass out with the trash.
  • Man is arrested for not robbing a store, while being a drunken dumb ass.
  • NBC pressures Leno to have an affair.

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose KortezOnce again, during my senior year of high school, there was an incident. This one was fairly major but, fortunately for me, I was wily enough to elude capture. While I could literally tell 20 to 30 stories about running from the police, this one is a bit different in that it involves Federal law enforcement officials and high stakes crime.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

You see, the summer after my junior year of high school I spent a lot of time hanging out at this pool. This is where a bunch of my friends had life-guarded for years, so, being unemployed, it was a cool place to hang out and talk to them. There were also a ton of hot lifeguards working there, so I spent a lot of time talking to them too. So much time in fact that the guy who managed the pool offered me a job. Although it was a little known fact, I was certified to be a life guard. One day while talking to this guy, he asked me and then promptly offered me a job.

Well, it was a no brainer to take the job. Then I could continue doing what I was doing (going to the pool without paying and hitting on the hot chicks that worked there).
As a new employee of the pool, they gave me keys to open the place. And then I had reason to stay late or come in early. With odd hours no longer looking suspicious, I had time to poke around.

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