Posts Tagged ‘Buccaneers’

As I sit here writing, I am 1-3 in my Fantasy League with arguably the greatest roster ever assembled…  Okay, I lied.  I’m 2-2*, but I’m pretty sure nobody else in my league is even adjusting their roster anymore, which means I might as well be winless.

I’m starting to think my participation in this league is just to prove that no matter how perfect sports appear on the surface, they’ll still inevitably punch you in the face and kiss your kid sister.  How else can you explain drafting the top player at three positions (Peyton, Peterson, 49ers) and having 3 of the top 5 players (Andre Johnson, Vincent Jackson, DeSean Jackson) at another position, and still be losing in your league? In the words of my favorite French poet, Connerie, “Ef Emme Elle.”

When it comes to sports, I feel like Martin Starr in a Judd Apatow feature.  I’m pretty much always there but at the expense of myself.  I wanna be Paul Rudd, or better yet Ken Jeong…  Is that too much to ask?

not that kind of fantasy...

not that kind of sports fantasy...

I was a die-hard Marlins and Buccaneers fan, only to move away from South-Central Florida and watch one win two World Series and the other a Superbowl in the span of 6 years… from 1,000 miles away.  I entered college three years after my beloved University of Kentucky Wildcats concluded their greatest 10 year stretch in history…  Only to watch their worst 5 year stretch in history from the comfort of my $5 fourth-row seats.  Repeat after me, friends, “Ef Emme Elle.”

Why are you laughing?  You’re not laughing?  Oh…

We’re all part of a sports punch-line.  If you live and die by a college football team, guess what?  The (BCS) joke’s on you.  You’re an MLB fan?  Good luck with all of those asterisks.  And if you’re into the NFL, you’re a proxy for gambling, fantasy follies and worst of all, performance-enhanced marketing mayhem. Seriously, I’m still amazed that America can be convinced that a GMC is worth purchasing or that Coors is a palatable beer.

What?  You prefer hockey?  I can’t even respond to that.  Honestly…  That’s like trying to ask Audrina Patridge to talk about TNC’s in China.  We’re both likely to respond that venereal diseases can be prevented through proper precautions…

Back to my point (what point?).  You might say, “Dude, you’ve seen 5 championships between your three favorite teams over the past 15 years.”  I’d tell you a) I deserve better than you and b) it’s human nature to always want more…  I spent 3 days of alone time with your WAG the last two weekends but I still want her to “show me her record collection” at least one more time before I die.  (I’ll be here all week, folks.)

We want perfection.  Or maybe we don’t.  Maybe we just want to be there when the proverbial poopoo meets the fan blade.  This is the world that we live in.  We can tweet our favorite athlete (try saying that five years ago and not get banished from your local Sports Bar) and shower with them after every victory (not yet, but if Jerry Jones had his way… watch out) but we’re still just the guy driving to the store in his Silverado to put a case of Coors on our Visa.

So sit back, relax and enjoy the triviality of our collective existence.  And please don’t tell me you’d rather find some deeper meaning in life (or sports)…

* I’m really 3-1, but I’ve never known a good story without someone altering the facts a little bit to protect the innocent.


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