Chicago fails in bid to host the Olympics

Some of the least interesting athletic events, taking over a TV near you.

Is anyone besides Obama or Oprah really surprised? It’s not like the ghettos of Caracas were up for consideration, and Caracas might be safer. I mean, if I was to pick a place to host the Olympics in America, Chicago wouldn’t have been an option since the 1940s. Was Chicago the best we could do? I’ve got a back yard full of dog shit, maybe next time we should suggest that. If you let me know you’re coming in advance, I’m not likely to shoot you.

Having been to Madrid and Rio, I can say without a doubt that those places are significantly better than Chicago. In fact, I drive a loop through Illinois and Indiana simply to avoid having to drive that horrible toll road through this country’s worst city. The toll road with $0.40 tolls every quarter mile? Yeah, that one.

As for Tokyo, I was only surprised they were voted out second instead of first. Against any other city besides Chicago or Caracas, they’d have been the first on the chopping block. So congratulations, Tokyo, you’re the suckiest city on that half of the globe. Apparently Chicago’s role as “worst place in America” was significant enough in the eyes of the voters to make it the suckiest city on Earth.

Maybe a big “Mission Accomplished” type banner is in order. I’m thinking along the highway at the edge of the city reading, “Suckiest City On Earth!”

What I want to know is how did Chicago even make the final 4? What group of mental giants was responsible for that? Or was it a joke, sort of like how Suzanne made it to the final 5 in Hell’s Kitchen even after the other chefs had tried to vote her off a few times. She was so bad that she was put on the guys’ team for a while. I don’t know what the equivalent of that would be for cities, but we need to do it with Chicago. Maybe make it join Atlantis on the underwater city team. You can send the residents too.

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