Posts Tagged ‘Columbus Day’

Tomorrow is arguably the worst day of the year.  That hideous ruse of a holiday…Columbus Day.  I have decided to use this platform to air my grievances about this horrible, stupid day.  So, here are my top 10* reasons for why I hate Columbus Day:

10. It’s based on a dirty, dirty lie. Everyone knows that Columbus didn’t discover America.  The Norse found it some 400 years before Chrissy-boy was even born.   In 1964, Leif Ericson was given a commemorative day in October as well.  Well, whoop-di-doo!  More people know about Lumpy Rug Day than Leif Ericson Day.   Nice respect there.

9. FDR. Columbus Day became a federal holiday in 1934 under the administration of Franklin D. Roosevelt.  And it is no secret that FDR was one of the worst presidents in the history of our country.  To my knowledge, officially establishing Columbus Day was FDR’s only contribution to America.  Thanks a  lot, Frank!  You could have bombed somebody, but nooo…you gave us a crappy holiday.  No wonder you couldn’t walk.

Don't trust this man

Do not trust this man

8. Columbus is of questionable origin. His nationality is commonly listed as “Genoese.”  Where the hell is that?  That’s not even a real country.  We celebrate a dude who came from a made-up country?  Unless someone provides me with a Genoa certificate of live birth, I’m not buying it.  Besides, in school, we were taught he was from Italy.  Or Spain.  I don’t remember.  So, which is it?  Oh, hey, speaking of school…

7. …Columbus is a jerk. He made me learn stuff as a kid that I has never been useful.  Because of him, I can tell you that his three ships were the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria.  I actually put my knowledge of this information on a job application once and was politely asked to leave.  So glad I learned that and not something useful, like how to change a flat tire.   He was also stupid looking.

6. No one knows when it is. It’s only been within the past couple of years that I have even learned that Columbus Day is sometime in October.  That’s all I know.  I’m always caught off guard by it and being caught off guard is just not cool.

5. No gifts. When was the last time you received a Columbus Day gift?  That’s right, never.  Historically speaking, the only “gift” Columbus and his crew gave in 1492 was smallpox.  So, if you want to celebrate truthfully, I hope you enjoy your infectious diseases.

4. Those terrible Columbus Day TV specials. Granted, The Muppets Take the New World was pretty entertaining.  But, name one other C-Day special that wasn’t horrible?  You can’t.  I remember in college, seeing Rob Thomas sing a modified  version of “I Saw Three Ships” from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on some TNT special, and I still haven’t recovered.

3. It’s inherently racist. I am 1/32 Native American on my mother’s side.  So I am entitled to be a little infuriated at the celebration of a guy who came here and just mowed down my ancestors.  I tend to think that the people Venezuela got this one right.  Hugo Chavez 1 – Columbus 0.

2. Lousy sales. There is no such thing as a “good” Columbus Day sale.  The only holiday with worse sales is Arbor Day.  Sales for Christmas go on for weeks/months beforehand.  Even Presidents Day has better sales.  And Presidents Day is a complete waste of time.

1. I still have to work. I’m trying to think of a job that I have held that has given me this joke of a holiday off…and I can’t come up with one.  In fact, at my current job, tomorrow is one of our 10 busiest days of the year.  What’s the point of having a holiday if you don’t even get the day off?  Super lame.

*- Honorable mention goes to the fact that it shares a name with Columbus, OH.  And nothing good ever comes from Columbus, OH.


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