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I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez

As we kick off a new month, I feel like it’s time to shift gears to stories about getting arrested. I’m sure you racists are all thinking that I’ve been nabbed a bunch by border patrol or something, but that’s only actually happened twice – on the same night. But I’ve got a fairly wild past and I guess it’s inevitable that I’d have a few run ins with the law. So many, in fact, that I’ll be spending a few weeks recounting them all.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

As with other stories, I’ll give these to you chronologically. Unlike other categories like rape, there are a lot of arrest stories and frankly, I don’t remember them all. That’s not to say they aren’t all spectacular. Just that sometimes with the help of alcohol, things merge together and you eventually forget them. Then you talk to a sane friend and they remember all of the events in detail and are shocked you don’t. That’s my life. Anyway, I’ll present these chronologically, but if I add another one in 5 months, well – my bad.

So, I was a terrific child. Seriously, the kind of kid that a parent dreams about having. I took all advanced courses. Other parents raved about how I was so well behaved. Then something changed. I suspect hormones. You see, I went from having no interest in girls, to only caring about myself and one of the greatest pleasures I could give myself was the company of an attractive young lady.

So, I never had any trouble – no detentions, no parent teacher meetings, not even a B- on a report card. Seriously, there was concern and tears if I got anything less than an A. And much like the ‘Simpson gene,’ right about when I hit puberty, things started to change. By the time I was 16, my first story begins.

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