I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that…

By now, most people are aware of the developing scandal regarding David Letterman, his alleged affair with Stephanie Birkitt and the attempted extortion plot concocted by former Birkitt beau (and CBS producer), Robert “Joe” Halderman. However, you may not know about the titilating and complex relationship that has been formed between Letterman and one Rick Pitino, based on their shared position as über-famous extortionees.

Before I talk about the actual case, I’d like to address Mr. Halderman’s alias. First of all, why not Bobby?  If you’re gonna go informal and you have the chance to be “Jimmy” or “Dick” or “Bobby,” you jump at it.  Secondly, why Joe? Sure I understand that his middle name is “Joel,” but when have you ever known a Joel to abbreviate their name as Joe? Well, aside from Billy Joel.  But that was his surname.

What?  Billy Joel didn’t resurrect his career as lead singer of Green Day?  You just seriously destroyed my Greatest Hits Catalog.

After talking to someone close to the situation, I have been informed that David Letterman contacted Rick Pitino several times seeking advice of a legal nature. Pitino was quite adamant in advising Letterman that he should attempt to “record the broad” that is attempting to extort him.  “That’s what I did,” Pitino said.  “When Sypher (the alleged extortionist in Pitino’s case) wanted to blackmail me.  I got her on tape.”

After Letterman repeatedly asserted that it was not in fact a woman attempting to extort him, Pitino responded, “I don’t care which side you swing for, Dave. My advice remains the same.”

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Anna Nicole Smith attempts murder

What more could I possibly add?

It’s zombie season and the whole world is getting in on the act. Most recently, Anna Nicole Smith, the one time hot playmate, then kinda skanky wife to really old guy, then combative widow, then dead bitch, and now zombie, may or may not be trying to kill her ex-husband’s son.

The FBI, who aren’t familiar with running successful operations or keeping secrets, accidentally let it slip that they once were investigating Anna Nicole.

Dick Cheney was quick to condemn them for risking national security by letting the bad guys know our next move. You may want to check out the poll to weigh in on whether Cheney is the pot in this name calling scenario.

But Cheney has a point. If we keep letting the zombies know all of our best zombie fighting tactics or tell them how much we know about their future plans, it just makes it that much easier for the zombies to work around our agents to get the brains they need to survive.

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Brief Words of Wisdom

In wake of the arrest of Michael David Barrett in the Erin Andrews voyeur video case, I’d like to reaffirm my belief that you cannot trust a man who goes by his first, middle and last name. I’ll give you three reasons right off the bat:

Come on! He was a freaking clown!

John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, and John Wayne Gacy.

John Wilkes Booth killed Lincoln. Lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy. John Wayne Gacy would throw block parties where he would dress up as a clown for the neighborhood children…. then he would kill people.

I could go on and name numerous serial killers, but that’s depressing, and it’s Sunday. Sundays are not meant to be depressing unless you’re a Chiefs fan.

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Odom Adjusting to Life at the Center of the Known Universe

It has been less than 24 hours since Los Angeles Lakers Forward Lamar Odom married into the center of the known universe…and he is a little dazed.

Khloe Kardashian poses for her engagement photo. Also pictured: Lamar Odom.

Odom wed Khloe Kardashian, the youngest daughter of the most famous and important family in the world, Sunday in Hollywood after a lengthy and meaningful 30-day courtship.   Odom said that he immediately felt his own self-importance rise as the two exchanged vows.

“I always thought that playing for the Lakers and winning a championship would be the most important thing in my life, but now I realize that there are forces greater than all of us out there” a clearly overwhelmed Odom told the media shortly after the tasteful and low-key ceremony (footage of which will air on an upcoming episode of E!’s Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, check local listings) concluded.  “I knew that the K’s were important, but I guess I didn’t realize just how important until I saw it for myself.  I feel humbled, to be honest.  I’m gonna try to not let it go to my head.”

When asked how life would be different now that he is a member of the Kardashian family, he paused and then smiled.  “I suppose the old life I knew will never be the same.   It’ll be weird having people recognize me on the street and take pictures of me and stuff like that.  It’ll be worth it, though.  Just the fact that I’ve been given the chance to impact the world in such a positive way going forward reminds me that it’ll all be worth it.”

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Confession of a Self-Loathing Mad Men Non-Watcher

Look, I get that I am supposed to watch and love Mad Men.  I do.

But I don’t and therefore, can’t.

Believe me, I’m not proud of this.  I don’t wear it like some badge of honor.  I HATE myself for the fact that several of my discerning friends watch and adore the show…yet I still don’t.

AMC’s period drama has had critics and fans alike buzzing for the past 2 seasons.  Season 3 premiered last month to rave reviews and just last night, the show picked up the Oustanding Drama Series Emmy for the second year in a row.

It has also won a couple of other awards in its relatively short lifespan.

So, I am forced to ask myself the tough question: “why can’t I devote an hour a week to a show that I will obviously love instead of focusing my time and effort on obnoxious (and completely worthless) programs like The Biggest Loser and the new Melrose Place?”

The answer is two-fold:  “I don’t know.”  and  “I hate myself.”

One might argue that it has something to do with the fact that AMC itself joined my completely petty, but strictly adhered-to, list of networks that have ceased to exist in my world (MTV and E!, I’m looking at you) a few years ago.   But, I still watch The Soup on E!, so exceptions are possible…which rules that out.

It could be that Sunday night is already packed with shows that I love.  But then again, Mad Men airs at 10pm and there is nothing worth watching on Sunday after 9:30.  So, that doesn’t work either.

I suppose it could have a lot to do with the fact that I am afraid to jump into an established series 2+ seasons into it’s run.  “Will I get it?”  “Will I feel bad asking which one is Jon Hamm?”

But, I think the main reason is that critically-acclaimed shows that I love and embrace…are routinely canceled and I am left with a cavernous, Deadwood-shaped hole in my soul.

However, in the end, it really just comes down to the fact that I suck.  So, I’m sorry Mad Men.   As much as it pains me to say it…it’s not you.  It’s me.

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