In the “Could Someone Pass Me the Sportswriters’ Psychedelic Mushrooms?” category: Alabama jumps ahead of Texas in the AP Poll.

A quick check of the new AP poll has me wondering if the nation’s sportswriters actually watched the Alabama – Ole Miss and the Texas – Colorado games from beginning to end. I think that they must have watched the last half of the Alabama game and the first half of the Texas game and then succumbed to the temptations of mind altering substances. Just look at the third graph of the AP story on their own poll:

The Crimson Tide moved up one spot after rolling over Mississippi 22-3. Texas, which had been No. 2 all season, slipped a spot after sputtering early in a 38-14 victory against Colorado.

And the ones that Mother gives you don't do anything at all, but Mom wasn't feeding the sportswriters on Saturday.

There is just so much wrong with this statement that it boggles the non altered mind. First of all, the last time I checked, a 22-3 win is a margin of 19 points. Secondly, the last time I checked, a 38-14 win is a margin of 24 points. Now, I realize that Mississippi was ranked going into the game with Alabama and Colorado wasn’t, but for what reason, exactly? A 52-6 stomping of Southeastern Louisiana? And, okay, Colorado was 1-3, but when did that kind of thing matter in the past?

Both Alabama and Texas struggled in their opening halves. At halftime, the score of the Alabama-Mississippi game was 16-3, and 9 of Alabama’s 16 were field goals because they couldn’t make anything happen in the red zone until the half was almost over. In the second half, Alabama only scored six more points. Meanwhile, Texas started their second half down by 4 and ended up scoring 24 points to win.

Now, before you start wondering if I have something against Alabama, let me set the record straight. I like Alabama just fine. I’m also a big SEC football fan. I, along with an overwhelming majority of southerners, am willing to say that, right now, it’s the best and most exciting football conference in the country. However, that does not mean that, each time a highly ranked SEC team beats an over ranked SEC team, they should leap over another undefeated FBS team in the Top 10. Alabama should have beaten Mississippi by more than 16 and with more than one touchdown. Missisippi’s offense all but handed them the ball and they still only scored a touchdown. Texas’s margin of victory over Colorado is about right.

Mia, for heaven's sakes, he screwed over your university.

And, I’m no big Texas fan. Their head coach is the Benedict Arnold of college football, Mr. Mack “I’m Not Planning to Leave Chapel Hill” Brown (yes, I’m still bitter). And true to his coaching style, at Texas, Mack has failed to deliver with some of his more talented teams—just as he always seemed to come up short against Florida State when he was coach at UNC. But fair is fair. If Texas were to play Alabama next week, I think Texas would win.

So, this week, the coaches got it right. And the sportswriters got high. That’s the only way to explain the AP poll.

In the “Could Someone Pass Me the Sportswriters’ Psychedelic Mushrooms?” category: Alabama jumps ahead of Texas in the AP Poll.

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Three Wolves T-Shirt and the Philosophical Ramifications Thereof

You may have seen the infamous “three wolves moon” t-shirt by now. It’s a 5-star product at the electronic supermarket known as Amazon.com and with its appearance in last night’s episode of The Office, sported by none other than Dwight K. Schrute; it only stands to grow even more in popularity.

A little research into the shirt reveals a subculture which believes it possesses mystical powers of sexual seduction. Can this phenomenon really be true? Surely it takes more than a man’s shirt to attract a woman.

As a guy who considers himself fashionable, yet not to the point of obsession and GQ subscription, I always considered the shirt one of horrible taste. Frankly, I thought of the shirt as Billy Madison would: “If I caught myself in clothes like that, I’d have to kick my own ass.” I can picture someone of Native American heritage wearing it or even the super-nerd persona played by Rainn Wilson on The Office, but not anyone of reputable dress.

Now, let’s get back to the subculture surrounding the shirt. To the proud owners, it is transcendent; a sign of power and allure. For evidence, let us look at a few of the customer comments on Amazon. B. Govern of New Jersey writes: “This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened.”

The only thing which could make it better, according to Govern, is more wolves and ones that glow in the dark. Does nothing else say “blow me” to a chick better than glowing wolves on a guy’s shirt? At least, for B. Govern, apparently not.

While our friend B.G. may have been the first to discover the value, he is certainly not alone. T. Guymon of Anaheim, CA is “swimming in a sea of babes the likes of which are usually found on those K-Tel infomercials. I’m also more confident at work, and expect to be promoted to cashier soon. I owe everything to this shirt.”

How is this possible? Are the universal laws enough to explain it? Can Newtonian science make another breakthrough (hurry, someone revive Sir Isaac)? It seems impossible to me that the shirt has any powers of sexual seduction, but there’s only one way to find out.

Yes, in the name of humanity, I will be performing an experiment. I will purchase the shirt and wear it in public a few times. I will also report back to the blog with my experiences: the good and the bad. My curiosity is now at critical mass. I must know if the shirt has the power its owners claim. I encourage any reader out there to do the same and to leave your experiences in the comment sections of my updates.

I expect to wear the shirt about five or six times at various public places in order to fully gauge the influence the t-shirt may or may not hold. I will be looking for the following:

1. Does the number of females who approach me increase or decrease?
2. Does the shirt boost my own self-confidence or change the way I feel when wearing it?
3. Does the number of times of sexual intercourse increase or decrease when wearing this shirt?
4. Are non-wolf-shirt-wearing males intimidated by my presence?
5. Finally, do I achieve greater than normal success in class and work?

Let the experimenting begin. My next update on this series will follow the day after my first public appearance in it. Wish me luck.

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Obama: Campy Midget Hater?

It was revealed recently that President Barack Obama was not meeting with the Dalai Lama on his trip to Washington. This will be the first time an American President has failed to meet with the religious leader, while he was visiting the nation’s capital. Media and news sources suggested that the move was an attempt to appease, or at least not enrage, China, a nation that holds around 1 billion dollars of American debt.

Well,I’m calling bullshit. We’re America. Since when do we care about debt? Hell, our entire economy is built on the assumption that people will spend beyond their means. There is a multi-billion dollar industry that deals solely with credit and debt related transactions. We spend money we don’t have. It’s the American way.

So, with a little digging, I discovered the real reason Obama didn’t want to meet with the Dalai Lama.

Sources inside the White House reported that the President and Vice President had a misunderstanding of who Tibetans were. They mistakingly believed that they were actually a group of sellout tourist dwarves. After this startling revelation, Joe Biden was quoted as saying, “that’s just weird… back in Scranton, Pennsylvania, when I would take the train there was this little midget fellow…” Biden then started mumbling nonsense and smiling intently to no one in particular.

This episode was a revealing peak into the mind of a President who emphasizes his willingness to meet with anyone from hostile world leaders, to cops and black professors… Really anyone willing to listen to him flexing his intellectual and rhetorical muscle. However, there is apparently a line drawn at campy Asian midgets.

Either our first black President isn’t so tolerant after all, or he had a traumatic Wizard of Oz experience. You be the judge.

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After 2009 Nobel Announcement, Frontrunners Pegged for 2010

The Norwegian Nobel Committee started our morning early today with the surprising news that incumbent US President Barack Obama is to be awarded the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.  Having been nominated for the prize just 12 days after taking office and awarded a mere 8.5 months later, the announcement has caused reactions positive and negative. Some believe that it is acknowledgment of Obama’s message of hope, while others criticize it for rewarding words and not actions. The divided reaction internationally clearly shows that the celebrity of President Obama stretches beyond our national borders and engulfs the entire world. Was this award given genuinely or was it a way to garner publicity? Were the committee members swept up in the hype that they couldn’t evaluate Obama equitably? We’ll never know the motive.

So who can we tag as frontrunners for 2010? It seems clear what sort of direction the Nobel Committee is heading. Here are some possible leading candidates for next year:

• Brett Favre – beat every team in the NFL in his career, thereby rallying every fanbase in unified hatred against him
• Michael Jackson – helped us all remember that no matter how crazy and disturbed you are, if you’re talented enough, everyone will forget your flaws when you die
• Oprah Winfrey – if you award Obama you’ve got to award the person who got him elected, right?
• Hillary Clinton – because if they didn’t give it to her, you know she would assassinate President Obama in a jealous rage
• Adolf Hitler – hasn’t killed in over 60 years, and his last living action was killing the most evil person in history

There you have it. Now you know who to come crying to when you’re shocked and appalled by next year’s awardee.

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You don’t get out much, do you?

So, in the gentle recesses of Central Bluegrassia it’s getting cold outside.  Not too cold, but just enough of a mix of cold and rain that someone is inevitably going to get sick.  When you have a one year old female in the house, you don’t have to draw straws to figure out who’s going first.  Sure enough, 7:30 p.m. rolls around last night and my daughter sounds more and more like Kathleen Turner than, well… Kathleen Turner.  

My wife, being the paranoid parent that she is, hops on our Dell and types my daughter’s symptoms into the Google search box.  What pops up?  One word: Croup.

Is this how you croup?

Now, it’s amazing what a man can learn on any given day.  If you would have asked me what croup was before last night, I probably would have told you that it was a British Nudists’ Boating Sport (and I would have probably tried to sign up for the next available entry).  Alas, my expansive mental database of trivial knowledge failed me (for the first time ever).  Croup is actually defined as a swelling of the vocal cords, causing breathing difficulties accompanied by a barking cough (I knew all of that freelance singing would catch up with her).  I don’t know if you catch croup or develop it but either way, you sure as hell have fun saying it…  “Croup.”

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Rush Limbaugh’s Purchase of the Rams Would Bring New Sponsorship Opportunities

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Grand Theft Auto: Camano Island

I try not to be the type to blame the crimes of our youth on video games. Being an avid gamer myself, I find it unlikely that I will suddenly be compelled to purchase a firearm in order to defend myself from the onslaught of Nazi zombies. Generally speaking, I seriously doubt that video games have anything to do with most of the crimes committed by young Americans. There are, of course, always exceptions. One of these exceptions goes by the name Colton Harris-Moore, AKA: the “Barefoot Burglar”.

Colt is an 18 year old resident of Camano Island, WA whose criminal career began when he was 12. Local law enforcement may not have figured this out yet, but it doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to figure out that the start of Colt’s unlawful habits coincided with the release of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Between the ages of 12 and 15 Colt racked up 5 arrests. Seriously, what the hell? When I was that age, I hadn’t accumulated more than five of anything. Well, maybe I had more than five Dream Team cups from McDonalds, but still, who gets arrested before growing pubes? I thought having pubes was a requirement of some sort. Where did he get the ego boost from? I tried to steal a Clearly Canadian when I was 13, but the clerk at the gas station noticed the “John Holmes” size bulge in my jorts and busted me. I didn’t get arrested though. He just kicked me out. This kid was burglarizing homes, breaking into cars, and stealing credit card numbers. Guess what he bought with the stolen credit card information? That’s right, video games.

At this point you might be asking yourself, what is it that makes Colt so different from thousands of other misguided teens across this great land of ours? Well, while those other kids are out there joyriding, our boy Colt, he’s out there joyflying. That’s right; he’s stealing planes and taking them for a spin. Does he know how to fly? No. Does he know how to land? No. Did he read a flight manual one time, you betcha.

What a freaking sack this kid has on him. At this point, does he even give a rats ass about the cops? Once you get that sucker up in the air, you’ve got to get it back on the ground. On both known occasions when Colt has commandeered private planes, he has flown them until they ran out of gas, then crash landed them in some random clearing. Authorities say he has walked away from both crashes unharmed. I hear that the “Barefoot Burglar” has a Facebook fan page. I think I am going to join. Fly, Colt, fly.

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Anna Nicole Smith attempts murder

What more could I possibly add?

It’s zombie season and the whole world is getting in on the act. Most recently, Anna Nicole Smith, the one time hot playmate, then kinda skanky wife to really old guy, then combative widow, then dead bitch, and now zombie, may or may not be trying to kill her ex-husband’s son.

The FBI, who aren’t familiar with running successful operations or keeping secrets, accidentally let it slip that they once were investigating Anna Nicole.

Dick Cheney was quick to condemn them for risking national security by letting the bad guys know our next move. You may want to check out the poll to weigh in on whether Cheney is the pot in this name calling scenario.

But Cheney has a point. If we keep letting the zombies know all of our best zombie fighting tactics or tell them how much we know about their future plans, it just makes it that much easier for the zombies to work around our agents to get the brains they need to survive.

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