Obama: Campy Midget Hater?

It was revealed recently that President Barack Obama was not meeting with the Dalai Lama on his trip to Washington. This will be the first time an American President has failed to meet with the religious leader, while he was visiting the nation’s capital. Media and news sources suggested that the move was an attempt to appease, or at least not enrage, China, a nation that holds around 1 billion dollars of American debt.

Well,I’m calling bullshit. We’re America. Since when do we care about debt? Hell, our entire economy is built on the assumption that people will spend beyond their means. There is a multi-billion dollar industry that deals solely with credit and debt related transactions. We spend money we don’t have. It’s the American way.

So, with a little digging, I discovered the real reason Obama didn’t want to meet with the Dalai Lama.

Sources inside the White House reported that the President and Vice President had a misunderstanding of who Tibetans were. They mistakingly believed that they were actually a group of sellout tourist dwarves. After this startling revelation, Joe Biden was quoted as saying, “that’s just weird… back in Scranton, Pennsylvania, when I would take the train there was this little midget fellow…” Biden then started mumbling nonsense and smiling intently to no one in particular.

This episode was a revealing peak into the mind of a President who emphasizes his willingness to meet with anyone from hostile world leaders, to cops and black professors… Really anyone willing to listen to him flexing his intellectual and rhetorical muscle. However, there is apparently a line drawn at campy Asian midgets.

Either our first black President isn’t so tolerant after all, or he had a traumatic Wizard of Oz experience. You be the judge.

Read Full Post »

After 2009 Nobel Announcement, Frontrunners Pegged for 2010

The Norwegian Nobel Committee started our morning early today with the surprising news that incumbent US President Barack Obama is to be awarded the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.  Having been nominated for the prize just 12 days after taking office and awarded a mere 8.5 months later, the announcement has caused reactions positive and negative. Some believe that it is acknowledgment of Obama’s message of hope, while others criticize it for rewarding words and not actions. The divided reaction internationally clearly shows that the celebrity of President Obama stretches beyond our national borders and engulfs the entire world. Was this award given genuinely or was it a way to garner publicity? Were the committee members swept up in the hype that they couldn’t evaluate Obama equitably? We’ll never know the motive.

So who can we tag as frontrunners for 2010? It seems clear what sort of direction the Nobel Committee is heading. Here are some possible leading candidates for next year:

• Brett Favre – beat every team in the NFL in his career, thereby rallying every fanbase in unified hatred against him
• Michael Jackson – helped us all remember that no matter how crazy and disturbed you are, if you’re talented enough, everyone will forget your flaws when you die
• Oprah Winfrey – if you award Obama you’ve got to award the person who got him elected, right?
• Hillary Clinton – because if they didn’t give it to her, you know she would assassinate President Obama in a jealous rage
• Adolf Hitler – hasn’t killed in over 60 years, and his last living action was killing the most evil person in history

There you have it. Now you know who to come crying to when you’re shocked and appalled by next year’s awardee.

Read Full Post »

Rush Limbaugh’s Purchase of the Rams Would Bring New Sponsorship Opportunities

Read Full Post »

Kentucky Players Feed Homeless Tent People

Patrick Patterson wakes a thankless tent hobo with a piping hot McMuffin.

Showing that college basketball stars have hearts after all, the University of Kentucky Wildcats basketball team banded together to take breakfast to a small community of homeless people camped outside Memorial Coliseum.

“It was a great opportunity for us to give back to the community,” Patrick Patterson explained. “These people may be homeless, they may be crazy, but they’re still people. Everyone deserves a McMuffin now and then.”

Officials estimate that the hastily assembled tent commune has recently ballooned to more than a thousand occupants.

One campus police officer, who wished to remain anonymous, shed some light on the situation. “At first there were just a couple of tents, but now it’s starting to get a little out of hand. We’ve tried everything to get them to pack up and leave, but they are a stubborn lot.”

“One hobo rambled something about a basketball practice, before shouting ‘C’ at the top of his lungs. It’s disturbing stuff.”

“Hopefully these people can use this predicament as a wake up call and get their lives together.”

“Our home is here,” said one disheveled bag lady. “As long as our Cats are here, we’ll be here too.”

She then flashed us, shouted “LOOK! IT’S JOHN WALL!”, and ran behind a bush.

This reporter can only hope that she found what she was looking for.

Read Full Post »

Tiger Woods is Sport’s First Billion Dollar Man

As this article from Yahoo! Sports attests, Tiger Woods has now become the biggest athlete-earner in the history of sports. He has now rang up more than $1 Billion over his illustrious career.

Unreal.

The Dude plays golf… For a living…  And he’s made a billion dollars doing it. On top of that, he’s married to a Swedish model!

I mean, for crying out loud, there’s no way that’s fair. Is there anyone you’d rather trade lives with than Tiger Woods? Leave your suggestions below.

Read Full Post »

Spanish Prime Minister’s Daughters Revealed

I don’t see what the big deal is. They look like normal conservative children to me.

Read Full Post »

Wanton Disdain Comics: Tennessee Volunteer Diversity

Read Full Post »

Bucs Hope Johnson Comes Up Big

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers played perhaps the worst game of football in the history of the game this past Sunday. They managed to run only 36 offensive (pronounce it as you see fit) plays the entire game. The Giants, on the other hand, controlled the ball for over 43 minutes. The Bucs were 0 for 9 on third down conversions. Succinctly, it was every bit as bad as anything the Lions managed during their 19 straight games of futility.

The Bucs will need their Johnson to perform admirably to please all of their fans.

So, with Byron Leftwich unable to perform, the Bucs have turned their attention to second year quarterback, Josh Johnson. Johnson went 4 for 10 for 36 yards on Sunday. You might be thinking, that’s not a very impressive performance by Johnson, but it is by far the best effort these old Bucs have put forth in a while.

So, if the Bucs have any post-season aspirations, they’ve decided to trust Johnson to perform well enough to get them there.

Bucs coach, Raheem Morris said, “He’s got to be huge. We really need him to come on strong and just nail this new role we’re asking him to fill. Did I say role or hole? I meant role.”

So, best wishes to Johnson. The Bucs have everything riding on you.

Read Full Post »