Bruce Pearl recruiting: Like a Rock

Ring Ring... It's the Future!

Many of us quit painting rocks in 4th grade art class.  For inhabitants of Knoxville, TN it defines their collective collegiate existence.  Take the above picture of super-recruit Tobias Harris in front of the painted likeness of his back (apparently Eastern Tennesseeans cannot artistically render human hands), for example.  Having a cartoonish image of your rear side painted on a large boulder in Appalachian Tennessee has to be the highlight of one’s autumn (which, coincidentally is the best season).

Only one problem: that shirt I see Tobias sporting bears a rather large non-Adidas symbol.  Better hope the Under Armour equivalent of World Wide Wes doesn’t get involved in this one… 

But never fear.  Any amount of persuasion attempted towards Sir Harris will be curtailed by the lasting image of himself  emblazened on a ginormous piece of quartzite, neckless and sporting the trademark Volunteer headband-yarmulke.  Afterall…  nothing shows you care more, like a Rock!  Cue Bob Seger.

Vols, bitch!

In the “Could Someone Pass Me the Sportswriters’ Psychedelic Mushrooms?” category: Alabama jumps ahead of Texas in the AP Poll.

A quick check of the new AP poll has me wondering if the nation’s sportswriters actually watched the Alabama – Ole Miss and the Texas – Colorado games from beginning to end. I think that they must have watched the last half of the Alabama game and the first half of the Texas game and then succumbed to the temptations of mind altering substances. Just look at the third graph of the AP story on their own poll:

The Crimson Tide moved up one spot after rolling over Mississippi 22-3. Texas, which had been No. 2 all season, slipped a spot after sputtering early in a 38-14 victory against Colorado.

And the ones that Mother gives you don't do anything at all, but Mom wasn't feeding the sportswriters on Saturday.

There is just so much wrong with this statement that it boggles the non altered mind. First of all, the last time I checked, a 22-3 win is a margin of 19 points. Secondly, the last time I checked, a 38-14 win is a margin of 24 points. Now, I realize that Mississippi was ranked going into the game with Alabama and Colorado wasn’t, but for what reason, exactly? A 52-6 stomping of Southeastern Louisiana? And, okay, Colorado was 1-3, but when did that kind of thing matter in the past?

Both Alabama and Texas struggled in their opening halves. At halftime, the score of the Alabama-Mississippi game was 16-3, and 9 of Alabama’s 16 were field goals because they couldn’t make anything happen in the red zone until the half was almost over. In the second half, Alabama only scored six more points. Meanwhile, Texas started their second half down by 4 and ended up scoring 24 points to win.

Now, before you start wondering if I have something against Alabama, let me set the record straight. I like Alabama just fine. I’m also a big SEC football fan. I, along with an overwhelming majority of southerners, am willing to say that, right now, it’s the best and most exciting football conference in the country. However, that does not mean that, each time a highly ranked SEC team beats an over ranked SEC team, they should leap over another undefeated FBS team in the Top 10. Alabama should have beaten Mississippi by more than 16 and with more than one touchdown. Missisippi’s offense all but handed them the ball and they still only scored a touchdown. Texas’s margin of victory over Colorado is about right.

Mia, for heaven's sakes, he screwed over your university.

And, I’m no big Texas fan. Their head coach is the Benedict Arnold of college football, Mr. Mack “I’m Not Planning to Leave Chapel Hill” Brown (yes, I’m still bitter). And true to his coaching style, at Texas, Mack has failed to deliver with some of his more talented teams—just as he always seemed to come up short against Florida State when he was coach at UNC. But fair is fair. If Texas were to play Alabama next week, I think Texas would win.

So, this week, the coaches got it right. And the sportswriters got high. That’s the only way to explain the AP poll.

In the “Could Someone Pass Me the Sportswriters’ Psychedelic Mushrooms?” category: Alabama jumps ahead of Texas in the AP Poll.

Luke Warm Linkage

The EJSIC is now offering US Currency Portraits for our readers. Just send us a hundred dollar bill and a photo and we’ll get back to you.

Sports

• Two Louisville basketball players were arrested over the weekend. Rick Pitino has heard their message loud and clear and will now guarantee more minutes for both.
• Golfer loses his arm to gator. Happy Gilmore is en route.

POP

• 25 defaced pieces of US currency. It’s going to be useless soon anyway, right?
• Tara Reid poses for Playboy. I’m guessing the 5 people who haven’t seen her boobs yet will be thrilled.
• 9 words that don’t mean what you think. (Cracked)

Politics

• Glenn Beck + Cocaine = Stephen Colbert.
• Fox News watchers are generally more misinformed than other major news watchers. I would say this is surprising, but that would be misleading.

10 Reasons I Hate Columbus Day

Tomorrow is arguably the worst day of the year.  That hideous ruse of a holiday…Columbus Day.  I have decided to use this platform to air my grievances about this horrible, stupid day.  So, here are my top 10* reasons for why I hate Columbus Day:

10. It’s based on a dirty, dirty lie. Everyone knows that Columbus didn’t discover America.  The Norse found it some 400 years before Chrissy-boy was even born.   In 1964, Leif Ericson was given a commemorative day in October as well.  Well, whoop-di-doo!  More people know about Lumpy Rug Day than Leif Ericson Day.   Nice respect there.

9. FDR. Columbus Day became a federal holiday in 1934 under the administration of Franklin D. Roosevelt.  And it is no secret that FDR was one of the worst presidents in the history of our country.  To my knowledge, officially establishing Columbus Day was FDR’s only contribution to America.  Thanks a  lot, Frank!  You could have bombed somebody, but nooo…you gave us a crappy holiday.  No wonder you couldn’t walk.

Do not trust this man

8. Columbus is of questionable origin. His nationality is commonly listed as “Genoese.”  Where the hell is that?  That’s not even a real country.  We celebrate a dude who came from a made-up country?  Unless someone provides me with a Genoa certificate of live birth, I’m not buying it.  Besides, in school, we were taught he was from Italy.  Or Spain.  I don’t remember.  So, which is it?  Oh, hey, speaking of school…

7. …Columbus is a jerk. He made me learn stuff as a kid that I has never been useful.  Because of him, I can tell you that his three ships were the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria.  I actually put my knowledge of this information on a job application once and was politely asked to leave.  So glad I learned that and not something useful, like how to change a flat tire.   He was also stupid looking.

6. No one knows when it is. It’s only been within the past couple of years that I have even learned that Columbus Day is sometime in October.  That’s all I know.  I’m always caught off guard by it and being caught off guard is just not cool.

5. No gifts. When was the last time you received a Columbus Day gift?  That’s right, never.  Historically speaking, the only “gift” Columbus and his crew gave in 1492 was smallpox.  So, if you want to celebrate truthfully, I hope you enjoy your infectious diseases.

4. Those terrible Columbus Day TV specials. Granted, The Muppets Take the New World was pretty entertaining.  But, name one other C-Day special that wasn’t horrible?  You can’t.  I remember in college, seeing Rob Thomas sing a modified  version of “I Saw Three Ships” from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on some TNT special, and I still haven’t recovered.

3. It’s inherently racist. I am 1/32 Native American on my mother’s side.  So I am entitled to be a little infuriated at the celebration of a guy who came here and just mowed down my ancestors.  I tend to think that the people Venezuela got this one right.  Hugo Chavez 1 – Columbus 0.

2. Lousy sales. There is no such thing as a “good” Columbus Day sale.  The only holiday with worse sales is Arbor Day.  Sales for Christmas go on for weeks/months beforehand.  Even Presidents Day has better sales.  And Presidents Day is a complete waste of time.

1. I still have to work. I’m trying to think of a job that I have held that has given me this joke of a holiday off…and I can’t come up with one.  In fact, at my current job, tomorrow is one of our 10 busiest days of the year.  What’s the point of having a holiday if you don’t even get the day off?  Super lame.

*- Honorable mention goes to the fact that it shares a name with Columbus, OH.  And nothing good ever comes from Columbus, OH.

Luke Warm Linkage

You're Welcome.

Happy Sunday everyone. Here are a few mildly interesting links to get you through.

Sports

• Deion Sanders says neither he or Dez Bryant did anything wrong.  Tell it to the National College Asshat Association.
• There may be hope for you yet, St. Louis.
• Tiger Woods cheats on Gatorade. Give my agent a shout, Gatorade. I’m loyal, if nothing else.

POP

• Nicole Eggert will @#$%ing kill you, if you call her fat. Don’t most women think this way?

Politics

• Pick out the biggest nutcase. Here’s a hint… there are no incorrect answers.

Elitist Jerk Classics: “Sneak Preview: Sean Salisbury’s ESPN Tell-All”

Editor’s Note: The following is a re-post from a while back. We’ll be posting a couple of these every weekend as a way of letting a new audience see some great posts they might have missed.

As you may know by now, our friends at Deadspin reported that Sean Salisbury is planning to write an expose about ESPN. We can only hope that his editors remind him that “ur” is not a word.

The EJSIC has obtained a few of the anecdotes that are going into his tell-all book. Prepare to be shocked. (The editors suggest reading the following sections with Mozilla Firefox’s SalisburyText-Translator applet turned on.)

So without further ado, please enjoy these tasty morsels of what’s to come:

Stuart Scott’s Right Eye is Actually the Good One

We know. Our jaws hit the floor too. Salisbury claims that the misinformation surrounding Scott’s eye has been nothing short of incredible.

“Ur not gonna believe it but the eye that ppl think is the lazy one is actually the good one. The 4-letter is afraid of ppl knowing the truth about it”

Mark May and Colin Cowherd

Salisbury reveals a pretty hilarious story about a fight between ESPN anchors Mark May and Colin Cowherd.

“U know I went to USC so one day we were talking about USC and May said he loved USC the most. Cowherd gets all pissed off and says something like ‘ur not even from the West Coast, u dork. Nobody loves USC like I do. And Pete Carroll and I are way tighter than you and him are.’ Next thing I know May has Colin in a headlock, just beating his brains in. And of course I don’t step in, ‘coz, I mean, who wants to see Colin Cowherd not get his brains beat in?”

Dick Vitale Hates Duke

This one made us wonder if our source was jerking our chain. But after reading Salisbury’s comments, it makes perverse sense.

“…Dude, Vitale hates Coach K and Duke. But he’s a genius, he figured that if he talked about them nonstop for 20 years ppl would start hating them, pretty smart…”

We’re not convinced that Dick Vitale is that smart or that evil, but if it’s true…wow. Consider us stunned and intrigued.

Kenny Mayne Is Not Really an ESPN Employee

“Honestly dude, Mayne just showed up one day and was kinda funny so they put him on camera. U know how bad the talent was after Olbermann and Kilborn left, and then Patrick was suddenly too good for Sportscenter. The suits were desperate. Its also how Van Pelt eventually got a job. But they don’t even pay Kenny. They just give him some beers now and then. But he’s a good dude.”

“It Wasn’t My Jimmy”

In the book, Salisbury finally admits that he did show cell phone penis pictures to a female colleague, which resulted in his firing. But Salisbury drops this bombshell:

“Dude it wasn’t my Jimmy. It was a stunt dick. U think I’m gonna show the Salisbury Steak to some chick I’m trying to nail right away? No way. I showed her someone else’s. A real big one. I mean, those cell phone screens are small, so I wanted to fill it up, impress her. U know how it goes. They can’t fire me for showing pix of somebody else’s dick. My lawyer said so.”

Suzy Kolber and Joe Namath: The Real Story

Everyone remembers Namath’s awkward unwanted sexual advances toward Kolber. Except Salisbury claims “unwanted” isn’t even close to accurate.

“Oh man, if ppl only knew. Namath came off in the media like a horny, creepy drunk guy. But what ppl don’t know is that like 10 minutes later Joe was plowing Suzy back in one of the vans. Joe’s awesome. He didn’t even care about that story. He told me once: ‘Don’t worry about what people say about u as long ur gettin’ ur bone smooched.’ He’s an American hero.”

John Clayton: Ass Magnet?

Perhaps the most stunning relevation we found yet was this one:

“Dude, nobody pulls trim like John Clayton. I don’t know how he does it, but he gets tail anywhere, anytime. I’ve seen Herbstreit BEG Clayton for tips on getting poon. But Clayton just smiles and says ‘There’s nothing to it. They want it or they don’t’, which of course just pisses us all off. Dude’s a machine. I’ve never seen anything like it. You want to have fun? Go to Hooters with Clayton one night. But make sure u drive so u don’t get stranded when he ditches u to go home with a couple of sluts.”

The Sham That is Virginia Tech

A video of Al on her HDTV*

I’m having a great football Saturday. My significant other is fishing on the coast and won’t return until tomorrow morning and my daughter’s at work, so I have total control of the remote. I’m supposed to be writing, but thanks to the power of wireless Internet, I’m able to do that on the couch in front of my 42” HD TV. And, really, nothing looks better on HD TV than college football. I’m flipping between one of the most exciting scoring shootouts in ACC history, Duke vs. NCSU* on ESPNU and what looked like it might be defensive SEC showdown, Mississippi vs. Alabama on CBS. Kind of sounds assbackwards, doesn’t it? I’m also enjoying the fact that UNC decided that a quarter or two of offense can be very useful in a football game, although I wish they’d make this discovery in an ACC game rather than against a non-FBS opponent. Oh, well, Georgia Southern is no Gardner-Webb.

Lane Stadium - Home of the Shysters, I mean Hokies

Earlier today, I watched in shocked disbelief as No. 5 Virginia Tech beat the living bejesus out of Boston College. First of all, I’m shocked that a non-SEC, Big 10 or SEC team is ranked that high. Secondly, I can’t believe that Virginia Tech beat Boston College at all and certainly not by a score of 48-14. Usually, Virginia Tech can be counted on to crush all of the Tobacco Road teams that it’s allowed to play since the ridiculous expansion of the ACC, not to mention dashing Georgia Tech’s hopes for a BCS bowl, and then get embarrassed by Boston College, who usually goes into the game with at least 2 or 3 losses under its belt.

If you’re a Hokies fan or you’re one of those rare people who actually pays attention to ACC football year in and year out (like me), this drubbing of Boston College might have you excited. Tired of being razzed on by Pac 10 and Big 10 fans who seem to find ACC football hysterical (the irony of that being spectacular), you think, “Aha! This year Virginia Tech really is for real. This time they have a shot at helping prevent the ACC from being the laughingstock of bowl season. They’ve cleared the BC hurdle. We’re on our way.”

To that I say, “Not so fast, Sparky.”

The fact of the matter is that Virginia Tech is a sham. They are the Penn State or Ohio State of the ACC. They get all the accolades, the high rankings, the prediction that this is their year, but they can’t live up to the hype. It’s true. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fallen into the trap of thinking that Virginia Tech is for real. It’s like the days when I used to think Florida State was for real (yes, I’m that old) because they’d destroy all of their opponents in the then 9-team ACC, only to lose to Notre Dame or USC and, of course, Florida.

The story isn’t going to change, folks. This win over Boston College is just Virginia Tech’s attempt to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes. In reality, they will slice and dice their way through the conference, with possibly one other loss (I predict Maryland or Virginia). They will then meet whoever is the champ of the Atlantic Division (I predict Wake Forest, but it’s a toughie) and beat them something like 31-3. Then, amidst lots of fanfare, they’ll be off to the Orange Bowl only to be embarrassed by Cincinnati or Missouri (I predict a 27-7 score).

The Orange Bowl - Where VT will be squeezed

After the debacle is over, I’ll get the inevitable phone call from my father, a UVA fan, that’ll begin with “Stupid Hokies.” And I’ll have to say, “No, Daddy, they’re not stupid; they’re the snake oil salesmen of the ACC.”

*Denotes extreme sarcasm

Three Wolves T-Shirt and the Philosophical Ramifications Thereof

You may have seen the infamous “three wolves moon” t-shirt by now. It’s a 5-star product at the electronic supermarket known as Amazon.com and with its appearance in last night’s episode of The Office, sported by none other than Dwight K. Schrute; it only stands to grow even more in popularity.

A little research into the shirt reveals a subculture which believes it possesses mystical powers of sexual seduction. Can this phenomenon really be true? Surely it takes more than a man’s shirt to attract a woman.

As a guy who considers himself fashionable, yet not to the point of obsession and GQ subscription, I always considered the shirt one of horrible taste. Frankly, I thought of the shirt as Billy Madison would: “If I caught myself in clothes like that, I’d have to kick my own ass.” I can picture someone of Native American heritage wearing it or even the super-nerd persona played by Rainn Wilson on The Office, but not anyone of reputable dress.

Now, let’s get back to the subculture surrounding the shirt. To the proud owners, it is transcendent; a sign of power and allure. For evidence, let us look at a few of the customer comments on Amazon. B. Govern of New Jersey writes: “This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened.”

The only thing which could make it better, according to Govern, is more wolves and ones that glow in the dark. Does nothing else say “blow me” to a chick better than glowing wolves on a guy’s shirt? At least, for B. Govern, apparently not.

While our friend B.G. may have been the first to discover the value, he is certainly not alone. T. Guymon of Anaheim, CA is “swimming in a sea of babes the likes of which are usually found on those K-Tel infomercials. I’m also more confident at work, and expect to be promoted to cashier soon. I owe everything to this shirt.”

How is this possible? Are the universal laws enough to explain it? Can Newtonian science make another breakthrough (hurry, someone revive Sir Isaac)? It seems impossible to me that the shirt has any powers of sexual seduction, but there’s only one way to find out.

Yes, in the name of humanity, I will be performing an experiment. I will purchase the shirt and wear it in public a few times. I will also report back to the blog with my experiences: the good and the bad. My curiosity is now at critical mass. I must know if the shirt has the power its owners claim. I encourage any reader out there to do the same and to leave your experiences in the comment sections of my updates.

I expect to wear the shirt about five or six times at various public places in order to fully gauge the influence the t-shirt may or may not hold. I will be looking for the following:

1. Does the number of females who approach me increase or decrease?
2. Does the shirt boost my own self-confidence or change the way I feel when wearing it?
3. Does the number of times of sexual intercourse increase or decrease when wearing this shirt?
4. Are non-wolf-shirt-wearing males intimidated by my presence?
5. Finally, do I achieve greater than normal success in class and work?

Let the experimenting begin. My next update on this series will follow the day after my first public appearance in it. Wish me luck.