I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 11

So, after my scare with Federal agents removing my crop of plants, I’m absolutely positive that you all won’t be shocked to hear that I continued making poor decisions, particularly with my drug use. As I said before, I wasn’t an addict. Well, that may have been true the last time when the DEA was uprooting my babies, but that isn’t the case at all by the end of my senior year of high school. I was clearly an addict and to make matters even worse, I was also a drunk.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

At this point in my life, I was lazy and doing a lot of drugs. Mostly pot, LSD, and mushrooms, though I would rarely turn anything down. Being a lazy stoner, college was about the last thing on my mind. My parents had other plans. They had worked hard to get to where they were and I was going to college – no question.

So, I applied early admission to South Carolina and got in. Done. At that point, even though I probably could have gone to a better school, I was in, end of conversation. That’s really when things went from bad to worse.

As the entrepreneur, I was always looking for new ways to make money. As I’d said, I had good connections for drugs. I had started buying in bulk when I needed seeds for my horticultural experiment. So, it was a natural transition from drug user to drug dealer. And it turns out, I knew a lot of people that wanted drugs but didn’t have much access to them. And thus, a star was born.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 10

Once again, during my senior year of high school, there was an incident. This one was fairly major but, fortunately for me, I was wily enough to elude capture. While I could literally tell 20 to 30 stories about running from the police, this one is a bit different in that it involves Federal law enforcement officials and high stakes crime.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

You see, the summer after my junior year of high school I spent a lot of time hanging out at this pool. This is where a bunch of my friends had life-guarded for years, so, being unemployed, it was a cool place to hang out and talk to them. There were also a ton of hot lifeguards working there, so I spent a lot of time talking to them too. So much time in fact that the guy who managed the pool offered me a job. Although it was a little known fact, I was certified to be a life guard. One day while talking to this guy, he asked me and then promptly offered me a job.

Well, it was a no brainer to take the job. Then I could continue doing what I was doing (going to the pool without paying and hitting on the hot chicks that worked there).
As a new employee of the pool, they gave me keys to open the place. And then I had reason to stay late or come in early. With odd hours no longer looking suspicious, I had time to poke around.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 9

After my run in with the law in Spain, there’s no question I should have learned a lesson. So, how things would later play out is baffling. The next time I ran into the police, I was a senior in high school.

OK, here’s the situation. My parents went away on a week’s vacation. And instead of going out, I decided to throw a big ass party for pretty much anyone that wanted to show up.

As a kid, I was an entrepreneur. I guess I still am. But as a kid, it was already apparent to anyone who knew me. Now, when you throw a big ass party, you run the risk of things getting out of hand quickly.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Arguably, the best and worst thing going for me in high school was that I was popular and a ton of my friends were dangerous people. These are people that are fantastic to have in your corner. Amazingly, they’re still great friends of mine and they’ve actually done quite well for themselves. The media will never do stories about people who behave poorly growing up and then turn into successful adults. It doesn’t help their agenda. But in high school, some of my friends were in these two gangs that got along pretty well.

So, while I’ll talk about some of my party throwing experiences in future chapters, this one deserves special mention. I had been making some money on the side in high school by selling IDs. The program Tree’s cousin had given me. Typically, people wanted to be 21, though some idiot kids just wanted to be 18. So, the sweet thing was that I could provide beer for the party. And, by running the party like a bar, I could sell beers or make people that brought their own beer pay for admission, ensuring that I’d make money off of every person who showed up. And, to make sure people played by the rules, I had my toughest friends come for free as the bouncers.

Now, this idea isn’t new. The Rolling Stones tried it with the Hell’s Angels. It’s effective bartering of a unique skill set. In my case, it didn’t end in disaster.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 8

As we kick off a new month, I feel like it’s time to shift gears to stories about getting arrested. I’m sure you racists are all thinking that I’ve been nabbed a bunch by border patrol or something, but that’s only actually happened twice – on the same night. But I’ve got a fairly wild past and I guess it’s inevitable that I’d have a few run ins with the law. So many, in fact, that I’ll be spending a few weeks recounting them all.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

As with other stories, I’ll give these to you chronologically. Unlike other categories like rape, there are a lot of arrest stories and frankly, I don’t remember them all. That’s not to say they aren’t all spectacular. Just that sometimes with the help of alcohol, things merge together and you eventually forget them. Then you talk to a sane friend and they remember all of the events in detail and are shocked you don’t. That’s my life. Anyway, I’ll present these chronologically, but if I add another one in 5 months, well – my bad.

So, I was a terrific child. Seriously, the kind of kid that a parent dreams about having. I took all advanced courses. Other parents raved about how I was so well behaved. Then something changed. I suspect hormones. You see, I went from having no interest in girls, to only caring about myself and one of the greatest pleasures I could give myself was the company of an attractive young lady.

So, I never had any trouble – no detentions, no parent teacher meetings, not even a B- on a report card. Seriously, there was concern and tears if I got anything less than an A. And much like the ‘Simpson gene,’ right about when I hit puberty, things started to change. By the time I was 16, my first story begins.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 7

As most of my stories may convey, I’ve got some alcohol problems that really ramped up during college. There was a period from freshman to junior year when I drank 6 nights a week. After that, I started actually studying because I knew I needed to go to grad school, which meant buckling down. [For those of you who are thinking – I’ll just work hard for 2 years and be fine. Don’t be so sure. I got good GRE scores and I still got into a couple of crappy grad schools, but not the great schools that I was hoping for. So, while I’ve recovered, I’m not sure the names attached to my degrees will be that great if I need to switch employers.]

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

While that introduction was unnecessary for this story, I want to stress that I really drank far too much for several years. Part of the problem is that for a while, we had a kegerator with a keg in it. In terms of priorities, we struggled to make rent sometimes, but we always had a full keg.

When I moved out of there, I moved to a place that was 2 blocks from a dive bar that ended up being my home away from home. More importantly, it was a life saver because it was closed one night a week, so I had at least one sober night built into my schedule.

On this particular night, I was just hanging out at my house with my roommates and watching some hockey. Low key, really. At this point I lived with 6 people and two of them were “Irish” and his fiance “Norso.” Yeah, that’s my word for an upper body “cankle.” Irish was awesome, let’s leave it at that.

There was a kegerator next to the couch, so I drank a lot. More problematic was the ping pong table next to the kegerator. Even more problematic was Norso. She was/is a grouchy bitch. She could kill the best of buzzes. The two of them could fight as well as any couple I’ve ever been around. I mean, she kept a packed suitcase next to the front door, and, probably two weekends a month, she would move home to live with her parents only to come back and make up with Irish. Irish, much like myself in similar situations, would use those free days as temporary break ups and therefore an excuse to have lots of sex with random girls.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 6

Finally, my last story of unwanted sex stories happened in college. I was probably a junior and had really come into my own in regards to picking up ladies and landing hotter chicks than would seem likely. As explained before, I had become a master of the temporary breakup and was able to mess around with pretty much anyone I wanted to, I just needed about a week to lay the groundwork to make it a sure thing. I have since moved from “Master” to “God.” To clarify, now I’ve got a pretty good chance of laying that groundwork the day I meet a girl and if not, a phone call before our first “date” will seal the deal.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

But, in these times of great learning, as college is meant to be, I was still getting a feel for the art of the fast pick up. My roomate, we’ll call him “Evil Twin,” all through college is pretty much the guy, that if he was a girl, would be my wife. As it is, girls aren’t nearly as cool as this guy, so I’m still single and really pretty happy about that. And, like the perfect couple, we bring out the best traits in each other. So, whereas I might take a week to lay the groundwork with a girl on my own, with him there, it would either happen that night or we’d shoot past the window of their interest and move right to that stage, you know, where you’ve dumped the girl and all she thinks about is keying your car or cutting off your johnson. That’s where a lot of my relationships end up. Miraculously, I still have my wang (and it’s glorious) and a nice looking car.

But I digress. On this particular occasion, Evil Twin had his sights set on this girl and there was no shaking it, so we decided to go to her house because she was throwing a party. She was a smoking hot girl and this was a noble quest. The downside to the plan was that she was on the girl’s rugby team. Now, I’m not sure if any of you have met a rugby gal, but there are two distinct types. There are the ones that are in great shape and are super fast. Occasionally, some of those girls who are fast and in great shape don’t have butter faces. Now, on the other hand, rugby is a physical sport and they have to tackle. About 2/3 of the girls are big. Big as in fat. Big as in strong. Big as in tall. Scary fucking women.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 5

Near Thanksgiving of my senior year of high school, I decided to head off for my first real foray into college life – to spend an entire weekend living the dream. Eating cafeteria food. Drinking 18 hours a day. Exposing myself to an older, more experienced class of women. My friend, with the artistic mother and the house made for an acid test, was a year older than me. We’ll call him “Captain Kung Fu.” So he was now living on his own, surrounded by unsupervised young adults.

Now, maybe I’m sheltered, but a lot of people in our high school weren’t really spending much time on college campuses during our senior year. My friend, we’ll call him “Tree” had a cousin going to college in our town. While I had nothing in common with Tree’s cousin, he could get us in to all kinds of parties we would otherwise have been thrown out of. The one fantastic legacy that Tree’s cousin left me was that he had a computer program that made California IDs. There are so many stories there. Just so many.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions in the end.

Anyway, I made the trip to Captain Kung Fu’s with Tree. It was only about an hour and a half away, so it went quickly and we got there plenty early to start drinking before going out. Captain Kung Fu had a terrible, slobbish roommate who we spent the weekend avoiding. The dude seriously sat in the room watching TV all day and all night. So, we went down the hall to this other guy’s room who was really cool.

He also happened to be the typical freshman, who couldn’t handle his beer. That didn’t even slow him down, though. For that, if you’re reading this, I respect you.

So, we start the night doing some shots and drinking beers in between. The guy whose room we were drinking in went to Taco Bell before going out for the night. When he got back, we were drunker than when he left and I had almost been raped!

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 4

Senior year, homecoming dance.

There are some loser high major basketball recruits that are electing to go to their high school’s homecoming dance instead of midnight madness with Kansas. Let’s take a second to think about how shitty Kansas’ midnight madness must be…

By senior year of high school, there was a large group of us that were friends and hung out all the time. There were five guys and two girls. The one girl had a new friend that had started hanging around to start senior year. She was cute and fun, so she was well accepted by the group. We’ll call her “Huge Rack.” My buddy, one of my best friends of all time, had started dating her. We’ll call him “Mr. Smart.” Seriously, the guy never studied, had a serious alcohol problem, and went to two Ivy League schools for his undergraduate and graduate degrees. He is just effortlessly smart. Anyway, their relationship was cool because it never got awkward hanging out with them.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions in the end.

So, when homecoming came around, we all got together before the dance and ordered some pizza. Then we left and went to this cul-de-sac. We’d usually hang out there because it was in a new neighborhood with no houses, so we could sit around, drinking and talking, without dealing with parents. So, the eight of us went and hung out and pounded some beers for about an hour before going to the dance. This one dude who we knew but didn’t really hang out with had offered to have us all over for an after party. We’ll call him “Munson.” His folks were out of town and he didn’t want a big party, but he was cool with about 10 people coming to his place. So, we didn’t plan to stay at the dance for long and were planning to head to the party pretty quick.

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