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Archive for the ‘Parody’ Category

[Editor’s note:  This is the first in a series of posts from some of the nation’s leading basketball minds.]

Hello friends, and good to have you with us.  The 2009-2010 college basketball season is just around the corner, and it should be a fun ride.

There should be some interesting storylines this season, including the start of the John Calipari Era at Kentucky.  Will he be able to bring the Wildcats back to national title contention as the UK fanbase expects?  Time well tell.  He’s certainly got a great recruiting class, including point guard John Wall and big man Demarcus Cousins.

Speaking of basketball players named Demarcus, I can’t help but be reminded what a great kid Duke’s Demarcus Nelson was.  What a special kid.  Just so special.  He was the ultimate team player, and I really thought he deserved to be the ACC’s Player of the Year in 2008.  However, others felt that Tyler Hansbrough was more deserving, and I suppose they are entitled to that opinion.

Speaking of Duke, I think Mike Krzyzewski will bring national title number four home to Durham this season.  The Blue Devils are clearly coming into this season with about as much momentum as I can remember a team ever having.  In 2009, Coach K was able to take a talent-depleted lineup all the way to the Sweet Sixteen, where they were only narrowly edged by eventual national semifinalist Villanova.

You know the ACC Tournament champion Blue Devils will be coming into this season with a great deal of confidence and experience, and I think this year will be a culmination of Mike Krzyzewski’s system and personnel meshing perfectly.  Plus, Coach K adds one of the strongest recruiting classes in recent memory, with standout Ryan Kelly poised to make a huge impact from day one.

Now, you might say “Mike, are you kidding me?!  Duke lost Greg Paulus, Gerald Henderson, and Elliot Williams.  That’s a lot of talent.”  And you’re right.  Rebuilding after losing a gritty, determined winner like Greg Paulus will be the biggest challenge Coach K faces this season.  You simply don’t find someone as special as Paulus very often.  He’s a once-in-a-generation player.  Having said that, I think Coach K will be able to find success with Scheyer and Smith splitting time at the point guard spot.  Paulus will certainly be missed – and can never fully replaced, but Mike Krzyzewski is nothing short of a coaching genius.  It won’t be a problem.  And let’s not forget Kyle Singler, who is my preseason pick for National Player of the Year.  When it’s all said and done, Duke will be your national champions.

Also, Kansas should have a solid team, too.  And I really hope Tim Tebow is feeling better.  He’s just so, so special.  By the way, does anyone know what Britney is doing with her life?

I look forward to another great year of college basketball, and I hope you enjoy it as much I as I know I will.  -MP

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I don’t see what the big deal is. They look like normal conservative children to me.

Spanish Prime Minitser's Daughters spoof

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Wanton Disdain Comics: Tennessee Volunteer Diversity

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There has been quite a bit of commotion about the goings-on in the Texas Tech locker-room, after a very upsetting loss [for the Red Raider Nation] to University of Houston on Saturday.  The game was exciting to say the least. It included what some are calling the biggest coaching mistake Mike Leach has ever made on the field.

This is Carter heading to the grocery store for some protein

This is Carter heading to the grocery store for some "protein"

However, the big news is the apparent complete collapse of the Texas Tech team since the loss.  Brandon Carter, a star offensive lineman for the school and team captain updated his twitter account only a few hours ago:

“I am not a captain anymore and will not be playing this week. Good luck red raiders ill still be cheering on my family from the stands!!”

Why was Carter suspended, you ask? We at EJSIC caught up with head Coach Mike Leach, to find out why.

“Brandon was suspended for a Violation of the Team’s Make-up Policy,” Leach explained.

Needless to say, it was a little shocking that Coach Leach would suspend one of the most dynamic players on the team in their time of need.  We asked Coach Leach to elaborate on the team’s make-up policy, and specifically what Carter’s violation was.

“What it comes down too, is you can’t look like a f#@king girl when you go out on the football field.  The guy wears more make-up than than the Joker for crying out loud.  This is football, not an Emo Band tryout.” (more…)

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As you may know by now, our friends at Deadspin reported that Sean Salisbury is planning to write an expose about ESPN.  We can only hope that his editors remind him that “ur” is not a word.

The EJSIC has obtained a few of the anecdotes that are going into his tell-all book. Prepare to be shocked. (The editors suggest reading the following sections with Mozilla Firefox’s SalisburyText-Translator applet turned on.)

So without further ado, please enjoy these tasty morsels of what’s to come:

Stuart Scott’s Right Eye is Actually the Good One

We know. Our jaws hit the floor too. Salisbury claims that the misinformation surrounding Scott’s eye has been nothing short of incredible.

“Ur not gonna believe it but the eye that ppl think is the lazy one is actually the good one. The 4-letter is afraid of ppl knowing the truth about it”

Mark May and Colin Cowherd

Salisbury reveals a pretty hilarious story about a fight between ESPN anchors Mark May and Colin Cowherd.

“U know I went to USC so one day we were talking about USC and May said he loved USC the most. Cowherd gets all pissed off and says something like ‘ur not even from the West Coast, u dork. Nobody loves USC like I do. And Pete Carroll and I are way tighter than you and him are.’ Next thing I know May has Colin in a headlock, just beating his brains in. And of course I don’t step in, ‘coz, I mean, who wants to see Colin Cowherd not get his brains beat in?”

Dick Vitale Hates Duke

This one made us wonder if our source was jerking our chain. But after reading Salisbury’s comments, it makes perverse sense.

“…Dude, Vitale hates Coach K and Duke. But he’s a genius, he figured that if he talked about them nonstop for 20 years ppl would start hating them, pretty smart…”

We’re not convinced that Dick Vitale is that smart or that evil, but if it’s true…wow.  Consider us stunned and intrigued.

Kenny Mayne Is Not Really an ESPN Employee

“Honestly dude, Mayne just showed up one day and was kinda funny so they put him on camera. U know how bad the talent was after Olbermann and Kilborn left, and then Patrick was suddenly too good for Sportscenter. The suits were desperate. Its also how Van Pelt eventually got a job. But they don’t even pay Kenny. They just give him some beers now and then. But he’s a good dude.”

“It Wasn’t My Jimmy”

In the book, Salisbury finally admits that he did show cell phone penis pictures to a female colleague, which resulted in his firing. But Salisbury drops this bombshell:

“Dude it wasn’t my Jimmy. It was a stunt dick. U think I’m gonna show the Salisbury Steak to some chick I’m trying to nail right away? No way. I showed her someone else’s. A real big one. I mean, those cell phone screens are small, so I wanted to fill it up, impress her. U know how it goes. They can’t fire me for showing pix of somebody else’s dick. My lawyer said so.”

Suzy Kolber and Joe Namath: The Real Story

Everyone remembers Namath’s awkward unwanted sexual advances toward Kolber.  Except Salisbury claims “unwanted” isn’t even close to accurate.

“Oh man, if ppl only knew. Namath came off in the media like a horny, creepy drunk guy. But what ppl don’t know is that like 10 minutes later Joe was plowing Suzy back in one of the vans. Joe’s awesome. He didn’t even care about that story. He told me once: ‘Don’t worry about what people say about u as long ur gettin’ ur bone smooched.’ He’s an American hero.”

John Clayton: Ass Magnet?

Perhaps the most stunning relevation we found yet was this one:

“Dude, nobody pulls trim like John Clayton. I don’t know how he does it, but he gets tail anywhere, anytime. I’ve seen Herbstreit BEG Clayton for tips on getting poon. But Clayton just smiles and says ‘There’s nothing to it. They want it or they don’t’, which of course just pisses us all off. Dude’s a machine. I’ve never seen anything like it. You want to have fun? Go to Hooters with Clayton one night. But make sure u drive so u don’t get stranded when he ditches u to go home with a couple of sluts.”

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