Scientists Admit Shoddy Work in Past

Scientists around the globe are smacking their heads for missing that enormous ring.

This week has been really exciting for the vast majority of the population. As I’ve noted in the past, most people in the US have an IQ below 70 (and apparently they live in Boston). So it’s great that they’re all so excited about this worldwide phenomomena of shoddy science. Take for instance the week of October 5th. Only half over and a bunch of Einsteins are excited because they found their big toes.

It’s really about that bad. The first major discovery: Saturn has another ring. You’re thinking, ‘cool, that’s a huge planet and its far away so I bet that ring is hard to see.’ Not really. That ring is over 7,000,000 miles in diameter. You can fit 300 Saturns across the inside diameter of this ring. It will hold over 1,000,000,000 – yeah, one billion with a B – Earths. The first ring around Saturn was seen in 1610 by Galileo. And these schmucks with fancy degrees never saw this enormous ring in 400 subsequent years of searching? The big one. That could hold a Billion Earths. Nobody?

But that’s cool, suck at finding huge things once, shame on me; suck at finding huge things twice – how does that go?

Whatever, other “scientists” looking for huge things right here on Earth were pleased with themselves for finding a new Stonehenge. There’s only one Stonehenge you say? It’s huge, less than 90 miles from the major metropolis of London, and if there were a second one, say made out of Welsh bluestone not even a mile from the one we know about, some idiot would surely have stumbled across it since Europe has had people living there for like a million years. Not so.

So, brace yourselves, Americans. You never know what science will bring us next. Maybe we’ll find out we have a 3rd arm we had never noticed.

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Better Late Than Never

The year was 1999.  Popular music was dying a painful and tedious death.  The Nirvanas and Pearl Jams from earlier in the decade were being systematically replaced by the Britney Spearses and ‘N Syncs of my nightmares.

So, one crisp, fall afternoon, I was listening to my favorite radio station at the time and they did the unthinkable.  They played “Larger Than Life” by the Backstreet Boys.  Now, for a little  context, I had just come down off of a particularly nasty manic episode and was, at that moment, full of Krispy Kreme donuts and Jack Daniels as was my standard meal in the fall of ’99.  My personal lament for the state of music reached it’s tipping point right there, with that playing of a terrible, terrible pop song on a station that I had respected for years.  So, I did the only thing any self-respecting audi0phile would have done in the same situation.

I begged God to kill the Backstreet Boys.

We struck a deal.  I would stop eating donuts by the pound, get a job and turn my life around…if God would grant me one, small favor in return.  The death of the death of pop music.

Well, I did my part.  And 10 years have passed and all 5 of those dinks are still alive.   I didn’t lash out at God.  I understand that he is busy and can’t acquiesce to every drunken deal made by a person at rock-bottom.  He doesn’t necessarily work that way.  And I don’t blame Him.  I just moved on.

But, this morning, I saw this:

That’s right!  Brian What’s-His-Name has “the Swine Flu.”

My first thought upon seeing this was, of course, “they still HAVE Hard Rock Cafés?”  But, my next thought was “OMG, He’s doing it!  He’s finally answering my prayer!”

So, thanks, God.  You work in mysterious ways and I’m sorry I ever doubted you.

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