I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 9

After my run in with the law in Spain, there’s no question I should have learned a lesson. So, how things would later play out is baffling. The next time I ran into the police, I was a senior in high school.

OK, here’s the situation. My parents went away on a week’s vacation. And instead of going out, I decided to throw a big ass party for pretty much anyone that wanted to show up.

As a kid, I was an entrepreneur. I guess I still am. But as a kid, it was already apparent to anyone who knew me. Now, when you throw a big ass party, you run the risk of things getting out of hand quickly.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Arguably, the best and worst thing going for me in high school was that I was popular and a ton of my friends were dangerous people. These are people that are fantastic to have in your corner. Amazingly, they’re still great friends of mine and they’ve actually done quite well for themselves. The media will never do stories about people who behave poorly growing up and then turn into successful adults. It doesn’t help their agenda. But in high school, some of my friends were in these two gangs that got along pretty well.

So, while I’ll talk about some of my party throwing experiences in future chapters, this one deserves special mention. I had been making some money on the side in high school by selling IDs. The program Tree’s cousin had given me. Typically, people wanted to be 21, though some idiot kids just wanted to be 18. So, the sweet thing was that I could provide beer for the party. And, by running the party like a bar, I could sell beers or make people that brought their own beer pay for admission, ensuring that I’d make money off of every person who showed up. And, to make sure people played by the rules, I had my toughest friends come for free as the bouncers.

Now, this idea isn’t new. The Rolling Stones tried it with the Hell’s Angels. It’s effective bartering of a unique skill set. In my case, it didn’t end in disaster.

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You Don’t Bring a Knife to a Gun Fight. (And Real Men Don’t Wear Pink.)

Apparently the Green Bay Packers thought it would be a good idea to dress up in pretty pink hats and wear pink scarves and wipe their overrated faces with pink towels.

In related news, the Packers are currently getting blown out by their purple clad neighbors, the Minnesota Vikings, and The Sensei is bored as shit despite consuming six Busch Lights and downloading a full episode of milfhunter on his laptop.

Now this may be some sort of breast cancer fundraising effort, but to that I say this: “who cares?”

Breast cancer is for old women and lesbians, and those groups don’t have any basic human rights.

And if you are married to an old woman or a lesbian you have bigger problems than a garbage football team dressed in pink, so please spare EJSIC the hate mail.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 3

I think this week I’ll go with a series of stories about rape. I’m not a monster. In these stories, I was the victim every time. Sometimes more willingly than others, but in all cases, the women were stronger than me and pretty much dictated the evening.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions in the end.

I figure, what better way to tell these stories than chronological order. So, journey with me back to happier times, High school. When nothing mattered, my bills were mostly paid for, and all I really had to focus on was picking up chicks and then getting as far as I could with them. This objective, while sometimes taken to extremes, is still pretty much the focus of my life.

So, this particular time, I was a junior in high school and as usual, was out hanging with my friends. There wasn’t much going on, but nobody really wanted to go home early.

I had a friend who was an incredible fuck up. He was maybe 18 (I was 17) but he was already living in an apartment, kicked out of his parents’ house because he was constantly getting arrested, beat up, or asking them for money to pay for abortions. Clearly, when nothing else is happening, this is the guy you call. If for no other reason than if you sit there long enough, something will go down. As long as you stay out of it, you’ll be entertained.

We show up at his place and it’s like 10:30. It was me and three other guys who went over there. I swear to you, the evening started innocently enough – so innocent that I was drinking milk.

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